frenzz~

i had a really true great days with my frenz~
and i miss them so much...
this holiday..
i had gather with them a lot..
i spent most of my time with them..
the gathering we means..
we met in badminton court..always =)
we met in atmosphere, a cafe we used to go for our outing..usually =)
we met in bekerly corner..somtime =)
and last, we met in genting..the first time =)
when gather with them, i really feel very good..really..
the feeling is great!!!
the moment is unforgetable~~
eventhough we're far apart..but our heart never forget each other..
one of our fren, who moved to sentosa since form2..
when i recall back...and we stil keep in touch until now....we're form6!!
awesome..this is wat we called as fren =)

this is the first time we having our trip..
jz a short and fast trip..
even jz 8of us..
but the moment we fun together is great!!
really great =)
the moment we scream in a non-haunted house~~
the moment we shout out loud b4 the roller coaster moved~~
the moment we laugh crazily in hotel~~
the moment we scream when watching ppl playing space shooting~~
the moment we calculate the terrible food price in genting~~
the moment we freezing together~~
the moment we swing in the pirate boat~~
the moment we not fear but scream for cold~~
the moment we disturb ppl's children~~
the moment we got scolded by a cute children "shut up la"~~
the moment we lie on bed~~

fren...i love u all so much~!!!
i wil never forget all of u..
u all had coloured my life!!

jz realised =)

hmmm..
and i jz realised that...
the life without me, u're more happy =)
maybe at first you should do like this..
wont u realised about that?
ya, i know u realised about that..
and so you made a good decision..
i'm really happy to see your prefect life now =)
congrats ya^^

以为

来不及-罗忆诗
<<曾以为少了你的陪伴不算什么

怎么我微笑着心却是痛的.. >>

觉得那歌词很不错。。
或许我觉得它在诉说着我吧。。


我一直以为我可以。。

我一直以为我没事。。

我一直以为我很坚强。。

我一直以为我和外表是不一样的。。
可是看来我都错了。。



有时候真的不可以自以为是。。



就象当初的我，以为自己不会了。。
怎么知道我自己不敢对着镜子前的我。。

当初的我，笑着带过所有。。
真的不知道还是蒙着双眼看不见它在掉泪。。


当初的我，以为自己放得下。。
却靠着那扇门痛哭了。。


当初的我，以为自己可以大方接受。。
自己却关在家里不敢面对种种尴尬。。


当初的我，以为真的可以衷心祝福。。
银幕的那张照片心却酸了。。


那么现在的我呢。。。。

迷失了方向。。。

下雨了..

或许你是对的。。

你对他说过，放慢脚步。。

你也对我说了，试放慢脚步。。

我等了那么多天。。再多几天就一个星期了。。

我的青春希望不是在浪费。。

其实是为什么。。

难道一声通知也那么难吗？

那几天都下雨了。。

在这么最后的几天，我告诉自己算了。。

如果见到你我也不想说什么了。。

那封信，我冲动想把它给撕了。。

可是我没有。。

我知道我没在等待了，所以今天我也没失望。。

可是。。在我下定决心的那刻，

我竟然鼻酸了下，眼睛模糊了下。。。

情歌

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csT5_Sl95iM&feature=related

情歌永远那么甜蜜。。
那么让人陶醉在歌词和曲中。。

这首歌很好听，也让人很感动。。

心里真的希望未来会有一个真心对我的男人为我唱这么一首歌。。
可是他真的会用真心唱给我听吗。。？

如果我真的遇到了，我相信当下的我不会犹豫了。。

拥抱

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=161847893838493&id=138401809518750
((曾经在篇文章上看到一段话：
当一个女人从背后抱着你的时候，请一定别再挪动脚步，而请转过身，紧紧抱着自己的女人。
因为，当一个女人愿意从背后深情抱着你的时候，代表着她把自己的身心都交给了你，那拥抱里，有着太多太多的爱……
当一个男人从背后拥抱着自己的女人，两人的感觉是温馨和甜蜜的；
当一个女人从背后拥抱着自己的男人，女人是无声的祈求，而男人是心的复归和宁静…… ))
the quote~


and it had remind me....

我曾经对他说过，我喜欢他从背后拥抱我的感觉。。
那是很幸福很温暖的。。
就在我洗碗碟时，在我一个人吹着风靠着栏杆时，
那个拥抱是会软化我所有。。
然而，都是我对他说过的。。
永远都在我记忆里。。。。

那一天。。。
他从我背后拥着我的时候，我微笑答复。。
那个笑容是幸福的，我知道。。
那个拥抱我遗失了好久，我也不打算把它找回。。
可是他却抱着我。。
我不曾对他说过。。从来没有提过。。根本没有告诉过他。。
就是那个感觉。。。

又这么的一天，
他把我环绕在那栏杆边。。
无路可退，却感觉到那份安全。。

一直以来我都那么坚持，那么确定自己和你的关系。。
我清楚自己顾虑着什么。。
我也向你坦诚过。。
虽然每次我都说不过你，但是我的答案还是一如往常。。

我说过，你让我动了心，也感动了我的心，我喜欢你可是我们不能在一起。。

因为我看不见未来。。
因为我做得不比她好。。
因为我比你想象还要差。。
因为我不会是好的对象。。
因为我会伤害你。。
因为我有太多的不安。。
我不敢。。。。

可是。。。

我却发现我对你有想念。。
是想念吗？
我没学过那是怎样的感觉。。
我不知道是不是想念，还是那只是依赖？
还是我习惯了？

背后的故事

可是其实没有人知道，每一次的期待，背后都有一段故事。。

小学时期，我是坐在巴士上看着姐姐们羡慕她们。。
可是没有人知道，五年级那年是我第一次坐巴士。。
其实我不愿意。。我的生活根本不是那样。。
我为什么会到吉打去。。为什么剩下我一个人。。
准备着upsr却面临不应该面对的选择。。

中学时期，我回家了。。
不开心的生活，我依然熬过去。。
在我喜欢的15岁，也就是pmr那年，又发生了一些不希望的事情。。

我总是害怕它的到来。。
它是恶魔。。
它是妖怪。。

又是政府考试的时候，我又要兼顾两边的心情。。

而在我16岁那年，虽然我期待17，可是我预料同样是政府考试。。
它会不会又来。。。

spm时，依然相同的。。
只是我长大了。。会面对了。。
而且还多了感情问题。。
他，的确影响了我。。

18岁的现在，我还是会担心明年19岁的stpm，它会不会有出现。。
所以我不期待。。
只想开心活下去。。
反正都不知明天是不是世界末日。。

我的人生~

小学时期的我，羡慕穿着浅蓝色校裙的姐姐们；

中学时期的我，对15这个岁数特别喜欢，
或许因为政府考试证明一个人的成长吧；

16岁那年，我期待17岁，因为以后我不再需要买校鞋不再属于中学生；

spm那年，我等待18的来临，又是一个成长的象征，至少看电影时我不再担心是否会检查ic。。

今年的我已经18了。。
我是否还期待着21岁的到来？
是否等待进入赌场的那一天？

每一年我都有不一样的想法，不一样的梦想。。
是否这些就是我人生的寄托？
可是每一次我达到了，又不见得特别开心。。
是我不够知足？

范瑋琪-是非题

每段故事都有一篇剧情
每段爱情都像动人旋律
一颗真心却只向着你前进
也许爱 越单纯越着迷

你是窗外另外一片风景
在你眼里我是什么关系
你的呼吸藏在我的爱情里
何时能诚实面对自己

我们从不开口那个言语
那一句我爱你
永远像少了勇气
别人都说
我和你之间的关系
没有人相信只有关心

我们从不正视那个问题
那一些是非题
总让人伤透脑筋
我会期待
爱情盛开那一个黎明
一定会有美丽的爱情

你是窗外另外一片风景
在你眼里我是什么关系
你的呼吸藏在我的爱情里
何时能诚实面对自己

我们从不开口那个言语
那一句我爱你
永远像少了勇气
别人都说
我和你之间的关系
没有人相信只有关心

我们从不正视那个问题
那一些是非题
总让人伤透脑筋
我会期待
爱情盛开那一个黎明
一定会有美丽的爱情
我们从不开口那个言语
那一句我爱你
永远像少了勇气
别人都说
我和你之间的关系
没有人相信只有关心

我们从不正视那个问题
那一些是非题
总让人伤透脑筋
我会期待
爱情盛开那一个黎明
一定会有美丽的爱情

song~

and so i have to share my link on a new post ^^v


sometimes we love a song because of the tune~
sometimes we love a song because of the lyrics~
sometimes we love a song because of the singer~
sometimes we love a song because of someone loving it~
sometimes we love a song because we enjoy the rhyme~
sometimes we love a song because it makes us relax~

and i love a song because it voices out my mood and my situation~~

sickness~

i'm thinking that if i continue posting link or status to facebook, ppl wil feel very annoy~ maybe i should change the direction but post to my dearest blog~~
but actually wil someone click in to my blog??
i'm wondering..
anyone wil care of wat i posted??
watever...since at first i had this blog is also jz to create my own space..
the space which i can say out all my truth heart..
the space which i can cry to while typing..

posting to facebook actually means??
wish can from some words pass the msg to someone else?
jz to express the current mood?
share with fren wat happenning on u?
or something like LOA?

and i stil remember..
i never tel anyone else about my blog..
as i jz wish to keep it as secret..
jz wish can get a place and say it out wat i wan..
even the person i wish to scold..
bcoz no one wil refer and know it..
but who knows..
my sister told me she saw it one day..
jz with the click of "next"..
is this fate?? i smile..
and next, is one of my dearest fren--sorwen~
i gave her when she asked for it..
i think if is someone else, i wil answer "i never blogging"

i believe fate..
at first i really think that jz see who wil meet my blog..
without my direction..
and if fate let the person to know it, i willing to share with the person..
am i too "dan chun" ? haha..

i think this is my sickness la yorrr~~
actually this post i jz wish to share a link..
but i wrote so many stupid things...

please dont...

can u please dont let me down??
can u please dont make me cry??
can u please dont allow me to be alone??
can u please???
but u din..
and i drops my tear...
gosh!!! why why why!!!!
my mood are totally down down down...
anyone there??
can share my sadness??
or anyone there??
can scold me as wat one of my fren did on me??

memory~

christmas decoration is nice and cute in timesquare~~

i took few of the photo b4 we going back...

and it reminds me.....christmas on 2007 if not mistaken...

the hand around my waist..

the hand on my hand..

the smile on my face...

and now....is on the other one...

and i wish them all the best..

i really wish to received the red card from them.. =)

next week..on the christmas....i going to snap even more with my lovely sister..

hope can be my best memory ever...

and actually i wish i can over my 2010 christmas with more memorable..

the last wish for my wonderful 2010 year~~

i wish to refer back to the photo on 2007...

but it had been gone after the laptop stolen..and after i format it..

but then i also dare not refer it anymore..sorry..

when i saw the christmas tree..

and i'm alone now...in the picture...

thanks for giving me such memory..

christmas~

and i went to timesquare with my lovely mummy..
also my aunt, uncle and grandma..
is a nice shopping...
i dont like to shop with mummy actually >.<
she always non-stop praising on any shirt dress skirt pants i tried ==
"wow..nice.." "this great!" "both looked beautiful.." "it's suit for u.." "dont consider anymore.."
and many many more that at last i gonna say "ok, give me the new stock for this...." and walked to the counter and took out my lovely purse......and paid it =(
you know wat...i cant even reject the happiness on my mummy....
even the price is omg ridiculous!!! i stil need to buy it with my heart bleeding...
actually should i??
and so that day actually i not wish to follow them to timesquare~~~~
but...........mummy said, "it's holiday...is also the same if u sit at home...jz go with us...go la...."
reject is bad daughter... haha..this is wat i tot in the moment....

i text my sis during my journey...
"..how many more 10years i going to follow them...maybe next time i already in U or work?? who knows...chance never comes randomly....."
this is wat i told myself to think positively...
i try my best to be happy with it...
and i got my cny shirt for 2 =D
it's cheap and i'm satisfy with that..

sadness during holiday~

quite a long time i din get a new post for my dear blog~
this few days...how was my going?? how are me??
bad..totally sad..
at first...
i tot is something again like mood swing..
my mood suddenly turns emo..
no why..
but after that..i found that everythings happenned with a reason..
and so i know why am i emo..
the things that made me sad is totally shouldn't be..
but why i stil into it....
i dont know why i so care about it..
but i'm really sad..

i had a great shopping this holiday..
with my own salary..with my own decision..
which i never been tried b4..and i did it on my 18~ =)
the first i did....is waste on him....i shouldn't..
i regret after that...why i did that on him??i wonder....
and i sad jz bcoz of him....
i think i'm wrong...yes..i'm totally wrong...
i never ever do this b4..
even to him.. i never..
at first i tot is worth to do so...but now, is not....

every single msg i sent it to him..
i sad once... he doesn't know about that..
maybe he did, but i dont think so..
every call i dialled..
i disappoint once.. and i really wish he could know..

i'm asking myself why did i care for...
and i jz wan to know why..
and i wan to know wat is the reason..
jz that simple...but i couldn't get it..

drama~

ystrday midnight...
it's 1am... and i on the laptop....to watch the drama....
i know sure i wont sleep after the first episode..
that is my bad attitude~
and until 330am~
finally i confirm that i wont be awake in 8am..
but i had dated my fren to badminton...how how?? sleep~
and i really over slept (Z.Z)

i'm getting crazy with drama...
since i enjoying the day in form6, i had really forgot my drama...
the last one....
i think.....is the "gong sam kai"....
or...."kar hou yuet yun" ??
forgot about that...
but i hate drama actually~!!!!
bcoz i'll get into it...
i'll scold, i'll cry, i'll in love, i'll put all the situation to myself....
and always it mades me think as much as i could~
not i wan to blame it...but really lorrrrrrrr~~uncontrolable!!!!

and now i continue...
first, i watch until 330am..
next, i watch from 2pm-7pm..
then, i watch from 9pm-12am..
i think i'm escaping from my hmwk~~
not the way please.....i quite wish to pull myself out of it...
but i not willing to put out my hand to get out.....

this few days~
suddenly get addicted with badminton..
is jz the only one sport i think i can do it..
why am i so excited to join sport?
as i'm not the type of sporting person..
the most reason is stil keep fit..

duno why i really gain my weight...
since i entered my form6 life..
is it form6 life very nice??
and so it allow me to gain my weight??
in this half year??
jz like wat ppl always say blissful?? xing fu??
omg!! i totally.........quite enjoying actually =)

and so~~
today..i had a great talk with my sister..
(i'm always the best ear for her..
but she not my mic to speak out my prob~
maybe...i'm stil the one who cant say it too details simply..
sometimes i realised that my closer fren know me better than my family~)
ok, return back, i chat quite a long time with her..
and i found that the life for a worker or an adult is sXXk..
so bored are them..she told me duno wat can do after her working time..
some of her fren had really enjoy the work..
until midnight jz bcoz of the report, proposal, sales, account, plan, whatever......
jz like my bro done when i visit him in the penang..
he works at home until 4am and i duno wat he busy actually..
jz facing the computer..the laptop...the paper.....
is this is one kind of enjoy?? i'm doubt~
if u choose to enjoy ur work, jz like this kind of person...
ok, your working life is not bored but busy...u wan it??
or jz like another type...
after 5pm, ring~~~done.. dinner with fren? yam cha? watch movie? shopping?
that is the bored life i meant it..
both having the same salary, or i shud say not really have OT $ for those hardwokers....
jz bcoz u like the job and u "enjoy" it??

i got a question actually~~
if u were a doctor..
u wil do example 5operations a day..
and today, u can choose to have 8operations..
the extra 3 u do it or not...
but that is no additional of salary..is in your working time...
wil u bcoz of ur interest in operation and do it??
and as a doctor, sure u having the interest so u're here...
so wil u?? jz one kind of my interest, is ok, i can do it~
am i think too much xD maybe...

but maybe the most i stil lock on the salary...
a work....bcoz of interest?? bcoz of salary?? bcoz of future??
same as a course u choose....bcoz of wat actually???

i'm asking myself....am i really stil stick with my psychology dream??
sigh~ many ppl adviced me....it's zero in my country..they no need this....
but....my interest?? or jz another..maybe....really an engineer? however....it's less than....
wat to do...i stil doubt....about myself...
are you ok??

new friend =)

and i doesn't know the reason..
and i jz simply to find a person to express..
as i think maybe u're the right one..
then....
u had called me..
surprise..
and we had too..
realised that we're the same..
and....
we jz know the truth of each...
and...
i had a new friend..
=)
nice to meet you, my friend ^^
you had helped me and wake me up..thanks =)

not my coffee

that day i really sad..
no, i means that moment..
that moment i received the msg...
my tears drop down immediately..
i dont know why got such strong feeling..
i hurted..i felt sad..
but no one for me to speak out...

at first, i tot he could..
i tot maybe he is the one who can hear my sad..
but....i'm wrong..
he never care about it..
i know it's jz a really small case..
but...i jz need somebody to speak out..
he doesn't know...

i received his call..but...nothing..
i'm crying all the way..
all the way i answering the phone..
non-stop... but he doesn't know..
as he knoe i'm flu there..
he continue his happy talking there..
and i lost my control...
finally he know i'm crying..
but then i doesn't know he wil have such respond..
"wat happened? is it the sick made u felt suffer??"
god..i refer back my mind...he know wat i sad about rite..
no advice, fine..but then change away that case...
i'm not that kind of ppl who really care for my sick wat...
everyone who know me wil know about it rite...
why not him too...god...

and so i double confirm wat my heart think about always...
if a person really dont understand, no point u keep on explain again..
this is the presonalise he had..
and this is wat i dont wish to have..
it caused much..he wont know about that...
he stil dont know wat i'm worry wat i'm thinking always..
and he wil not know about that...

sometimes, i laugh or smile doesn't means my heart did so..

penang~

i'm sad..
that day..
i try my best way..
to make myself to penang..
again and again..
i miss once and twice..
delay and postponed..
but stil..
god not allow me to go...
is i too greedy??
maybe..
wat u told me...ya, this is one kind of greedy..
i must give up one of them...

the only reason is jz i wan go to penang!!!
why cant...why the only tuition time also wan change it...
why so many things in the school....
why why why....
why i willing to stay up here but i done nothing for it...
why the job doesn't make me feel i'm worth to be stayed...
sigh..
i jz wan to go back..
jz wan to visit my only grandma there..
jz wan to accompany her..
jz wan to take the only chance i free..
jz wan jz wan~!!!!
why i cant...

and i'm happy when my tuition had been cancelled..
maybe that moment my tears drop..
he felt it??haha..and so he cancalled the class (for sure not bcoz me la..)
then.....
my dad works got some problem...
duno is it ok there...
if haven done then....cant back again...

god...i really wish...really...
the first time...such huge feeling wan me to go back...
no other chance..unless wait until cny again...
but thats different...
jz give me this chance can??please..
i wan to go back..my true heart....
not many time i can visit her anymore..
i dont want to regret...
i love her i miss her..
so much so much...

helpless T.T

haiz..wat day is today..
even it is the end of today..
also gave me such memory..
my heart stil beating..since jznow until now..

the second i knocked the person car..
god..my mind is blank..
i'm stupid..
i tot a sorry can settle..but his car is hurted i know..
wat can i do.. the person taught me..
"miss, sorry also useless.."
"call your ppl see how much u wan to pay.."
ya, call.. then...i unlock my phone..
blank..
who to call??
i jz can call back my fren in the other car..
praying they know some friends who know about car..

finally, i called my bro..
god really blessed me..
my bro always not here at this time..
when the moment i dial his phone..
my hope is dead..and i really duno wat to do.....
but my sis-in-law pick it up..luckily..

at last..i know the person jz wan some money..
ya..some money...but such a huge money for me...
(i tell you, dont be happy when u use that money! dont tel me u really go JB tommorrow!)

(you know..i used to blame everythings that i could..but i didn't..i telling myself not the way to settle down myself...i blame the person jz wan to money...i blame the person lie to me...i blame the person not really rushing back to JB...i blame the person jz trying some stupid on me this small kids in their mind....i blame and blame!!!! but i know not the way....i know he really going back JB...i know he really need some money to repair his car....i know his car really not that nice after my knock....i know i know and i know..............wat the fuck!)

do u know...even i'm scared..even i'm worry..
i stil able to handle my emotional..
but the moment i press my phone contact....
i really duno who to dial...
i jz realised how helpless am i...
i wonder....
even my mom din answer my call..
not the first time...i used to blame her last time..
but now, not, anymore...

and i wonder...
if i'm the one who going to take my last breath just now..
who am i going to say my last word..
who am i going to text my last msg..
who am i going to call and say goodbye...

i know the one should be my sister..
but she was not here for this few days..
and i faced the problem..
always i asking myself..
if one day she going to marry oversea?
leave me to be independent...

ya, is the first step let me to learn to be independent..
but i failed..
i cant settle with that guy..

this accident..
nothing to be blame..
not the funeral..not my friends..not the mamak..not the car..not the person..
is me myself..
since the second i knocked..
i blame myself failed in reverse..
and the next second..
i sad for my helpless.....
am i alone in this world??
i hope i'm not..
and i admit that i need somebody and i'm not independent at all at all....

guilty..

god~i did a stupid thing i think..
my god~ i duno wat happen to myself..
i cant meet my fren now~no choice..have to meet my dear blog to express~~

blog arr....blog......
do u know....
the first time..i attend to the wedding ceremony..
i planned the game..
i helped the bride..
i'm enjoying~
and i got a conclusion...
the wedding is not systematic at all..=="'
not well-planned at all..
is not the most memorable at all..
and......my wedding next time WONT be like that~

did you know my pretty bride??
bcoz of your buffet dinner at night..
i rejected 2persons date..haha..
actually i'm quite happy~XD
i duno y suddenly both of them dated me..
anyhow....
after the dinner~~~~
then~~~~
something happenned~~~~
ermmmm...
blog ar...
actually for me i think it's normal la..
jz...duno how to say..
i felt a little bit guilty~
i drove myself to his house and had a supper...
is nothing right~~
but then i duno why we stay there until 3am++ (>.the first time i think..
long time gathering..
so long i din chat with him..
and i did..but i'm stil the same..hearing his talkative~
and i realised, they are the same~ not comparing but i realised it..
after that...as it's late...
he suggested to overnight at his house..
as i drove myself is dangerous to reach my home alone~
i know his mother is fine of that..
i know is ok..
but......my sickness started..
i almost din had my sleep the whole night..
early in the morning i return home IMMEDIATELY..
i duno y my heart feel to escape from his family..
i'm wondering the thinking of their mind~
and i'm panda now~

blog.....
if i'm a girl who in a relationship..
wat do u think the consequence is?
blog..
i jz knew that i'm not a good person..
at all....
i duno why as a girl i could like that..
i duno did i wrong..
but the guilty is occurred...
blog...
this met let me confirm that i'm clear with him..
the first time..
i success to survive =)
and......he stil the same..
i think guys always like that..
got the sickness...
i really wish to tell him, please recall your gf please..
she love you so much..and i'm not at all..
and you??who you love..please consider well b4 u hurted both of us...

guy...
i wont believe you anymore..
1st and 2nd..
i know it wil be the same..
i really wish to be lessbian~
sorry to say that...
i dont think i'm wrong..
but....
sometimes i'm close-minded..
i'm not secure at all..
i wonder who wil be my husband~

my shoes T.T

sad~

i failed to buy my shoes..

finally..

i admit that i really have a small size~

haiz...

the first time..

i even tried the children's shoes..

my god..

i really wish to have that type of shoes..

i never tried b4..

i really wish to T.T

why i failed to get it??

even i try my best not to care about the price..

also failed~~~

sad~~~~T.T

i wan to buy shoes~~~!!!

is my own problem~

abnormal problem~

haiz..sad..

the size of 35..cannot..

the size of 34..er....not bad..but cant walk properly..

the size of 33..omg..child size..too tight for me..

shit~

need something like 33.5??

positive?

fren~
u all always ask me think positive..
r u all sure that is works to let me be happy??
dont u all felt it's funny??
seeing something that sure it wont be ok...
but bluffing yourself to think positive..
dont lie yourself..
your heart even smarter than your own..
dont u know??
dont send your mind to believe something that have the answer on in..
1-1=0, is the fact..i'm wrong means wrong..
dont think positive that there are a line between..
1+1=2, and my answer is correct...
the printing is not that dark??
think positive?
maybe there are some better example in your mind..
and that is wat i means~

stupid ostrich =)

i wish to be ostrich~
i wish to hide in my head~
then i pretend u cant saw me..
as i cant saw u..
then i can live happily..
jz like that day..
escape from ur sigh..
jz bcoz i dunwan to attend..
then i run away..infront of u..
then i told myself u din saw it..
how funny am i?? or i shud say how stupid m i..
but i'm happy =) bcoz i cant see u u cant see me ^^
sometimes, stupid made one happy =)

hate myself~

most of the time..
i hate myself..

i duno why..

i hate myself duno how to reject..
duno how to handle..
duno how to control..
duno how to care..

i hate myself..
always done a thing which i know i'll regret later..
i hate myself..

always wondering..
pepsi or coke?
coffee or tea?
i used to think for a few minutes..
then i regret on my decision later..

always choosing..
rice or noodles?
full or alas perut?
anyhow, sure i made myself regret on both decision..
why am i doing so?
am i crazy?
i know i'm wrong but i stil continue..

always lead to accident...
left or right?
press on oil or brake?
stop or go?
it's yellow light blinking..
and i'm stil moving my leg to the both paddles..
haizzz..i wonder when i going to be hurted...

wat attitude i having??
i wish to have more choices..
but i blocked on those choices..
i'm doing somethings that shouldn't..
again and again....

fren~

fren~
sometimes, i really wish u could understand me more..
fren~
sometimes, i really wish to speak it off..
fren~
sometimes, i really wish to be alone..
fren~
sometimes, i really need your shoulder..
fren~
sometimes, i jz need your ear..
fren~
sometimes, i need your advice too..
fren~
wil u be here for me when i need you?
wil u stay with me whenever i wan?
wil u care for me with a truth heart?
wil u?

and...
who wil me my fren?

got it~

ok~since i get wat u mean..
sorry if u get hurted~
and....
i understood the horoscope story too..
it's really quite accurate and i knew it~
so...
maybe this is your way and that is my opinion..
sure there wil be some different...
time wil prove it.. =)

the truth of the world~

dont know wat happen to me this few days..
suddenly think of many future life..

i watched tv 2day..
an activity i almost forgot..
then....my sick started..
shit..wat a bad sick is this..
psycho thinking maybe..

i saw the drama...
her husband had a relation with another girl..
somemore got pregnant..omg..
the girl forgive him..
why??
should she do so??
a person she loved..
a person she got hurt from..
is it worth?

wat wil be if is me??
i think again...

i went ktv with fren..
saw the mv..
gosh~ seeing your bf with another girl..
how damn close they are..
the girl run away, the guy chase up..
so??
first, think -ve, no forgiveness..
got once means got twice..
second, think +ve, he leave the girl in the room, and chase for u..
he stil care for u..
at last he stil back to u..
he cried for u..
he beg u..
means??
how bad your man be at outside, he will back home too..
is it??
which one u choose?

i asked them..
my fren choose the first..
no way to forgive..
and they always say i'm so emo so optismist..
but i chose second actually..they dont know..

actually i realised many meaning this few days..
suddenly i think that is true that everythings had the other way..
jz see how u think it..
so how my thinking??

i wonder why there is so many choice of thinking too..
a guy who love u..
who confess to u...
how to prove the truthly love u??
if u realised his past,
and know how faithful he is..
so wat?
u can think that he is really faith..
a good guy..
can consider..
second, he is jz showing off..
is jz one of his technique ok...
so he can get to u easier and no need any approvement..

oh god~wat u wan me think of?

first and second..
clever or stupid..
smart or dan cun..
mature or childish..
which one??

why am i thinking such stupid things?
why am i plan so much silly things?
is it it is near to the end of world?
is it this shows the sign to death?
is it i had been getting old?
is it i'm abnormal?
is it i'm overthinking again?
i need a person to speak to..
but duno who should i..
who wil not scolding me??

sometimes i jz wan to be simple..do wat i wan..not to think..not to decide..regret on fast decide..isn't that easy?

dont ask~

since you know wat u going to do..
then wat for u ask me again??
you jz wan to confirm that your decision is right..
so wat u going to do wil be more comfort for you..

but sorry,
u doesn't know that i'm not comfort at all..

please la..
not the first time u did so..
i'm tired k..
i not worth to let u stay and accompany as u said..
i'm fine to be independent k?
jz the way u think..
u tot it is like this..and u act..
u try to attract my attention maybe..
jz using your way to force me to agree with u..
do u know?
every time i agree, actually is reluctantly..
dont u know??
if u really wish to accompany, please...
do it nicely..
use your heart....
your heart to express...
not to plan a lie...
not to act a movie...
a drama...

psycho~

dont ask why i'm psycho~
i just knew it..
i got a psycho family indeed~

the rod wont be straighten..
since the beginning of the rod is bent..

headache family headache life~

acting?

suddenly i refers back to the blog~~
and i got a conclusion..
you're acting..
sorry..
i jz can say so..
you say u dont like to act, you dont want to be fake.
but the situation now is act.
i dont believe that is really like that..
like wat u done to hurt..
to let the time to be pass..
is acting, isn't?

and i wish to ask u, when is the short term u means??
after deepavali?
after lower six?
after upper six?
after trial?
after stpm?
after our U-life?
no such ending?

hey, i wish to express my feeling..
please dont be too purposely to ignore me k?
even i understand wat u doing, also wil be hurted k?
can u turn the other way of your thinking?
can u stand in the point of view of mine?
can u refresh back if i did the same things as u to u?
u sure wil say "wei..piang eh..dont emo.."
ur heart sure wil felt somethings right?
its same goes to me k..
i jz din express it...
trying my hard....really hard to accept the way be ignored..

finally, hope u recovered~

他的感受

当我在考虑那答案时，我总会想起他。。
想起我对他说的话。。
想起他对我说的话。。

我不想那样。。
那不是我要的结局。。

怎么办？
为什么我在乎他的感受？

一直以来我总是以同样的性格面对。。
我忘了当事情有不同的角度不同的人数时，
要怎样随机应变。。
我慌了。。
我错了。。
一开始就错了。。
我以为我可以像以往那样，
可是我看来也伤害到我自己。。

kissing you-miranda cosgrove

"...all the question i've been asking in my head,
like are you the one?
should i really trust?
crystal clear it becomes when i kissing you..."

but there is stil the questions in my head...
when the crystal clear wil come??
i'm stil doubt about that...
i'm stil wondering...
i'm stil knocking my head on the wall....

爱情婚姻男人

我向朋友说我不再相信爱情，更不相信天长地久。。
我说我对爱情不再有信心，好男人绝种了。。

她说你爸爸妈妈不就是一个好例子吗？
你哥哥不是吗？
我愣了一下。。

为什么我愣了？
是因为我说不出事实还是我赞同她的说法？

忽然我觉得可笑。。
我没回答。。
我似乎赞同，
但我更加确定爱情婚姻男人靠不住了。。。

痕迹

这个月是否发生了许多事情？
我看见自己在这里留下的痕迹。。
我不太了解什么冲动让我写下这一切。。

我仍然相信。。
在现实中的我，是比在倾诉的我有更多的问题。。

或许不是这个月，而是打从那一天我进入校园。。
接触的人不一样。。
我常常在想，如果我坚持不踏入。。
如果我不认识现在的点点滴滴。。
是否一切会变得美好？
我知道我的影响力不大。。
可是在某个角度，我真的认为我制造太多悲剧了。。
挽回不了。。只好让它自己走。。

爱

太多的爱怕醉，没人疼爱再美的人也会憔悴。。

在需要肩膀的时候，是否有一手臂就足够？
在需要关怀的时候，是否有一问候就满足？
在需要倾诉的时候，是否有一聆听就足够？
在真正想念他的时候，是否还是要逞强逃避？
在后悔的时候，是否不顾一切挽留回？
在寂寞的时候，是否就算受伤也愿意尝试？
在被伤害的时候，是否若无其事就算了？
在在意的时候，是否往心里吞闭上双眼？
在真正在乎的时候，是否选择默默祝福？

请记得你要比我幸福。。

hate me?

i think i complaint too much..
but i stil wan to~~~
i dont like it la..
if u purposely hate a person..
u dont felt the suffer mehhh???
haiz..
i hate the feeling being hate ok??
maybe u dont know but i knew it lehhh...
why i knew???
i also dont wish to know..
i also dont wish to feel it..
i also dont wish it to happen..
anyhow..
the choices stil on u..
i jz can say if u feel comfortable with it then....go ahead lor..
but i wan to say, i not comfort with it ok??!!
not at all..
sorry..i know maybe u'll think i dont understand the real behind..
but..i dont think this is the only way to solve..
and so, the way u purposely hurt is SXXX~

form6 exam~

finally~the exam is over..
ya..it's over..
but for me, it's the starting point..the initial point..
to walk for my future..
sigh..
so sad for this time exam..
wat can i do..
the first time..i really simply done my objective..
i thought it's normal..
the first time..i circle the answer with full of pain in my heart..
it's hurt u know..
not even really read through the question..
shit..
the first time in my exam life..
so hurt..
so sad..
so rush..
maybe..this is wat we call as form6 life~
learn to fail b4 success..
is it true?
i din really failed b4...
even for my confident subject..
hurtED!

when the moment i heard ppl discussing..
i felt their intelligent..
they are happy with the correct..
my heart is bleeding..
but their success can motivate me i know..
i know i can..
jz the way..
the stupid way i used..
for this 18years..
i stil using the stupid way..
i stil like to dream while revising..
wat the shit am i doing...haizz..
every times exam, also the same feeling..
cant study well is my own problem..
the questions is not tough but me myself is tough to settle..
i jz can say, i can do it if i wan..
i know i can..
yes i can..
but did i did it??

i don think u love me...

you told me u think clearly....
i just can say....
"wat u do u should know..
and i hope u really know..
not to regret not to cry..
if an answer so easy to change your mind..
close your eyes and think twice..
something that should not be rush, let it be slow..
somethings that should be care, i dont wish to keep inside my heart"

sweet one~

i starts to asking those silly question again...
i starts to make pur relation worst..
u said i'm your loved one..
i answer your a question mark..
"a sweet one but a question mark"
wat i means?
i asking u whether u really love me..
are u really truthly love me??
if your answer is yes, please dont tel me..
not i wont believe it..
but i worry to believe it...

sister~

thanks for your care my dear sister..
i know u really care much on me..
i know is really difficult to let u to pretend..
anyhow i stil duno y u wan suffer yourself to hurt me too..
but if u think it's the effective way to go..
jz do it..
as how u support me, i'll support you..
and i really wish to tel u that, i not hatting u..
i din hate u bcoz of this..
i jz can say that....dont try to think that u're right everytime..
u not always correct..
wat i means u not always wil get wat i meant also..
as u say i stil not understand..
did you know??
when u said "u stil not understand"
i really get the hurt..
i tot i can really know the feeling and the thinking u having..
as u say u finally found a person which can understand u easily..
from that moment, i told myself not to say i understand..
and the same, if i say u din get wat i mean, please dont be too sad..(maybe u wont?)
you're a good one..i realised it.. =)
thanks for colouring my life =)
thanks for similar with me =)
thanks for your care =)
thanks for your love b4 =)
thanks for your taught =)
thanks for your advice =)
i appreciate wat i received from u ^.^
<3

your love..

i know u stil love her...
thats my own conclusion..
from the way i asked u...
"i know u stil love her...."
u din respond to reject my point...
"dont think too much k.."
i know u already answer my question...

at last i know...u're tired..
my fault again..but i deserve it..no regrets..
let the time go..i know u can do it..
i'm an experienced person too (>.<) not really la..
jz....
finally i realised u're a good one..
but then....i not the right person to replace them in your heart..
the way u stil care..
not i mind it..but i know i'll mind if once i fall...
i know is a good way to express how truth u're to them...
sorry i have to say again..
i'll be here for u again..
but not the partner as u wish i think..

my love..

oh my god...
gosh~!!!
i duno y they always like that..
are they really wish to see the recover from me and him??
but no way la...
why they couldn't understand..
even the feeling is in, i wont forgive him also..
but now the feeling is not in anymore..
the way i saw he said "i love you my dear..." towards another person he loved NOW..
i not as hurt as last time i did..
but i smile and i really wish him good luck..
i tot he having his tough task at first..
but at last i saw he able to crop it nicely..
but i really dont know why lorrr...
you stil wan to contact with him..
stil wan to tel me his mother is care of me..
so wat?? i know is too bad to respond so...but....
i know she care for me..but jz a normal care and not as wat u think..
her mother and u wish us to be recovered i know..
but the ending is written there wont be..

at last i asked u, u wish i recover with him is it?
or u wish i go my next step?
i know ur answer full of reluctantly..
"next step sure wil be better also..."
u add on,
"however, he is really a good guy as u know also..it's not bad to recover again.."
speechless..
love is end means is end..
ya, maybe the coming day i dont know..
i love him..before...ya..before...a truth love a truth heart...
i stil willing to share his sadness as he did this few years ago too..
i stil willing to contact with him even how hurt he done to me...
but recover......please dont interupt my life i think...
i stil fear of wat u done my me... sorry..

words~

when i read through the words by words...
my heart bleed drops by drops...
i dont know why i respond so..
but...
at that moment, i really almost drop out my tears..
i know i care..
i know i understand..
i know i hurt..
i jz dont want to be like this..
i really dont know why wan make it complicated among myself..
i really dont know since the first day i know you....

think of me...

when u're sad, wil u think of me?
when u're alone, wil u think of me?
when u're helpless, wil u think of me?
when u're crying, wil u think of me?
am i the first person to cross your mind?
am i the preson u really care??

actually i really wish to know the answer..
jz i pretent i dont care..
but i know i care for your care..

my way~

i'm asking someone some silly question..
i dont know why i ask so..
and maybe ppl could scold me again..
"dont fake la u..dont act la u..so obvious the answer is..."
anyhow, i stil think i dont know..
i jz can react "oh shit! wat am i doing?"
once i ask this, i really know wat am i doing..
just.....the way is......slut?
i learned this word at a night in pasar malam..
and so am i??
i asking myself thoudsand times...
did i able to handle my next....
i wondering for such a long time...
i gave many ppl the same answer which is no no no..
but end up i doubt...
i dont want to lie..
i really not wish to...
anyhow......jz depends wat my respond on that day comes~~~

selfish~

friend..
let us be fren..jz be fren..
i dont care wat happen..
i dont care how tough is it..
i dont think it is tough also..
maybe in such situation everyone gonna be selfish..
it's no any wrong to be selfish..
first, u care a person u think u should not..
well..if selfish can allow u to get into her heart..
why not??
next, u had a right choice to leave her and might hurt her..
yea, a selfish act that u jz hurt can dont care about her..
maybe and really u life better..
wat a bad? no right? jz continue as u like..
finally, jz choose a selfish way jz like how another did..
dont care anything but chase to a target..
dont care wat relation break or hurt or lost..
jz go ahead..
why not??
he saw the hope in front with his selfish..
in between, someone who chose to be selfish too..
wish to know the perfect..
try her best to see through the future..
without care others bleeding hurting..
jz go ahead and continue her normal life..
bring hope to ppl when she feel she can..
bring sad to ppl when she mood swing..
ouu..selfish makes her happy..
ain't wrong?
no any answer for the question..
no ppl to be blame..
no ppl to be care..
no ppl to be trust..
no ppl to be ask..
no ppl to be really listen through..

never let u go-janice

love the meaningful lyrics~
i remember the everything of that day..
i cant believe we'd never dance..
i just need one more chance, to share the sunset, our last romance..

if you give me one chance to tel u how i was feeling,
i will sing to u and tel u i wont live my life without u..
if you give me one chance to tel u how i was feeling,
i wil hold your hand and look in your eyes,
and u'll know i never let u go.....

鄭秀文 - 她們說

这个城市好玄幻

谁肯静下来听听女人说话

爱与被爱都慌 信和不信都傻

不就是风花换一场牵挂

心里有个男人始终看不懂的世界

只凭著美丽的直觉 决定这次要爱向谁

女人们呀 别再和感觉冷战 是是非非 别退缩爱地勇敢

只要珍惜过 那怕最后的结果遗憾

也不怕 也不管 拥抱时心跳多麼地乱

就算年轻再短暂 回忆也要存进去脑海保管

记得住曾经温暖 如果还剩一点伤感 时间会冲淡

这个城市好孤单

每个女人全都在学著习惯

得到时有负担 失去后会心寒

眺望著爱情两眼欲穿

女人们呀 别再和感觉冷战 是是非非 别退缩爱地勇敢

只要珍惜过 那怕最后的结果遗憾

也不怕 也不管 拥抱时心跳多麼地乱

就算年轻再短暂 回忆也要存进去脑海保管

记得住曾经温暖 如果还剩一点伤感 时间会冲淡

当爱不再回来的夜晚 她们说眼泪终会流乾

等突然想起某个片段 她们说放手让他经过别回头看

女人们呀 别再向理智挑战 对对错错 管他们到处流传

珍惜一次过 那怕往事会让人心酸

也不怕 也不管 相爱的过程危险狂乱

就算幸福再短暂 回忆也要放进去脑海保暖

如果爱注定很难 别让自己疲惫不堪

珍惜每一段

我真的怕了..

我真的怕了。。
面对你背对你都痛。。
你的温柔背后藏的心事难懂。。
靠近你远离你都痛。。
装不出的脆弱终于打败了我。。
真的怕了。。。

damn u!

i hate u..
i hate u..
i really hate u..
i very hate u..
i damn hate~!!!!!!
but why i cant express it in front of u???
shit u...
i dont wan to be so rude..
but i hate it..
no ppl can understand except u having the same situation..
i know....it's again wil let ppl say that i'm lebih to angry..
why....why i duno how to reject..
why...why u dunwan straight tel me..
why u wan turn a big big round..
why u wan like that..
why why why!!!!!
why u wan break your promise...
why u wan spoil our relation..
why??!!!!
do u knw??
not bcoz i selfish..
but the way u treat me..
the way u ask me for help..
no..u not ask me for help..
but u aspect me for help..
u try your silly way to force me to help..
hey~!! wat the Fish u wan?????

代表着什么?

我很幸福真的幸福，却渴望得到你的祝福。。
我很快乐真的快乐，却还是觉得依依不舍。。

想你想你想你，最后一次想你。。
因为明天我将成为别人的新娘。。
让我最后一次想你。。

其实这一切代表着什么？
你。。还在乎我吗？
你。。还爱我吗？

你忘了告诉我..

你说他很好。。
你说他很适合当朋友。。
你说他不适合我。。
你说他不会是个好男朋友。。
但是你忘了告诉我。。
我应该放弃尝试的机会吗？
我应该选择冒险错失一个你所谓很适合的朋友吗？
我应该再观察吗？

你说~

你告诉我你不想恋爱。。
你说你不享受单身。。
我却看见你牵起他／她的手。。

你说你害怕失去。。
你说你不敢再爱。。
我却看见你幸福的面孔。。

祝福依然心疼。。
笑容依然带泪。。
关怀依然刺痛。。

你不在~

当我最需要你的时候为什么你不在？
我以为你是我的依靠，可惜你却选择离开。。
我以为你真的做到，可是你骗我。。
在我无助时为什么你假装看不见。。
我依然相信我的感觉是对的。。
是谁在欺骗我不想知道了。。

i hate the way!

i hate the way u make it like that..
i dun like u force me..
i dun like the way u treat me..
i dun like it!~!!!
u make me remember how i over my past year..
the way he treat me..
i hate it!
i dun like he force me too..
i could not accept it!!
no!! for b4 n now!!
no please..
even i'm 18 now..
i tried to open my mind...
but....
sorry..
it's too fast for me..
no thanks..
let me go..
i know this would happen..
i jz can say, luckily i stil haven approve...

single~

i know wat m i doing...
i accept wat m i doing..
doesn't mean that i accept the relation...
i'm single..
i'm clear of any relation..
i'm jz myself..
even how close am i with..
i'm stil single..

it's really my fault..
duno how to stop this terrible closeness i having..
again....unlucky and hurt and misunderstood..
life jz once...
i appreciate wat i had before..in order to convice myself.....

please..

if i'm the one who caused so many things many trouble many problems..
if i'm really so annoy to appear in your life...
if....if.... i hope really is jz if....
i know i shouldn't do something that over than my power...
i din...but the process jz like i had to..
jz like my fren told me, he is the unlucky one..sad..
i dunwan.. and now..not only is the unlucky one..
but seems like there are so many misunderstood...
shit..wat the f.. i dunwan it to be..
i knw maybe i really done something that let ppl tot something else..
but i jz can say....i clear wat m i doing....

the feeling coming back..

2day..duno wat happened to me..
in a blank house..
i suddenly felt so empty..
the feeling..the fear feeling..the horrible feeling..
i'm alone.. i'm worry.. i'm nothing but jz alone..
why i felt everythings gone from me...suddenly...
it seems back to the last few years..
i rmbr...
those days..i over everyday with such feeling...i'm alone without a perfect family..
i lost my family.. i face the empty..
until now...even it seems all are coming back..but...
it seems to be different..its actually stil the same..
sigh..
but i faced it..i affort to handle it..but now..
i got the feeling again..
i know somethings happened..

at that moment...i think of one of my fren..who can understand me i know...
but...he hurted me..depthly..
even sad even hurt..

hurted from words..

i'm hurt..i'm sad..
after seeing wat u had written..
i wonder y myself wil refer it also..
but..
i knw there is a problem..
it's too sudden..why..wat happened??
is this relation wil be break?
since when??
my heart sank..not bcoz of wat i lost..
but bcoz of the way u hurt me..
from wat i knw, maybe u hurted more by me..
but for me, i did nothing..

u means i lied..and u hate about lie..
i swear i never n ever..jz bcoz of wat u had told me..
maybe u really misunderstood..
maybe is just the situation is so complicated..
sorry..i know it doesn't work..but my heart really wish to apologise..
i can feel the pain of u, is true..but..i know u wont believe me anymore....

meaningful song~

谁愿意有勇气不顾一切付出真心？

害怕爱过以后还要失去。。

i love this song..but..i not dare to hear it again..
i not dare to share it again..
that is ours song..
it's a night mare..
i worry this..i dont like..
i dunwan to do the same things..
i dunwan the ending to be the same..
it's really very "xie"~

谎言

＂你老实说吧，我真的没事的。。＂这就是谎言。。

哭了

我哭了。。
因为他因为他。。
我很恨我自己。。
因为他因为他所做的一切。。

到底我在犹豫什么？
到底我有感动吗？
到底我有动心吗？
到底他恨我吗？？

sorry

你何时满足。。?
the lyrics here..express their feeling..
showing my badness..
i duno wat can i do to relief their pain..
should i leave?

赌

面对爱情，应该让路还是再赌？
i duno wat is my feeling now..
stop or continue..
i really dont care?

my past~

i found many things about my past..
duno y..i tot it was a long long past..
but actually jz 1 and a half year + only..
i stil rmbr the day u say u wan break wit me..
it's last year end of june..
it seems i used lot of my energy to delete my sadness..
and yes, i did overcome it.. =)
all the notes i wrote..
it really bring a lots of meaning..
i wonder how i write it out last time.. >.<
all my feeling..all y expression..
not emo..but wat my heart n mind means..
it's all true n touches my heart..
u hurt me badly..but i learn it wisely..

ex~

我愿意当你一辈子的听众、一辈子的拥抱对象。。
suddenly i found this quote from my old notes~
yes..i promise this to myself..
i told u b4..
if u follow the wrong star, my love wil get u home..
is true..i'm always here for u..
but not the love on u..is jz a support.. =)

no fake pls~

sad~
when i facing other with the truth..
then i found that they are not telling the truth..
my heart is bleeding..
i duno the point they cheat..
i dun like the feeling of i'm in the light but u're in the dark...
i dun like.. i hate..
i duno wat r the truth on u..
but u know every single things about me..
maybe for me i feel that it's unfair..
but actually i jz wan u to face me with a true face..
i jz wan to understand u better..
please..dont lie..dont ignore..
when i say i'm, yes i'm..
jz tel me the truth and i know u'll feel the relax too..

if u played me for so long~
i'll never ever forgive u!

holiday~lazyy~

god~ wat holiday i having...
why am i wasting my time again and again?
i wont forgive myself..
i always say so..
but wat to do with not forgive..
the consquence is stil the same..
shit~
wat i had done..
haiz..
i always told myself i had done a good job..
maybe....a few questions~ a few words i read through~
oh god~ no man... how this can be??
wat happenned to me?
tel me please.....
i dont want to be a person who juz eat and sleep..
wat different btwn a pig and me??
even pig also walk around~shit~

aren't u?

did u care?
did u miss?
did u mind?
did u control?
did u wish?
did u try?
did u will?
did u like?
did u accept?
did u smile?
did u cry?
did u think?
did u dream?
and....
did u love??

can i knw the answer?

tel me why..
tel me the truth..
why i reply the msg?
why i answer the call?
why i open the door?
why i reply with smile?
why i act nothing?
why i accept the way?
why i be calm all the time?
why i easily been convinced?
why i always failed in this section...... T.T

comparing~

by comparison..
no..
i know it cant be compare anymore..
no..
is not to compare at all..
but..
i stil wan to..
why i cant do so?
why am i so stubborn??

problem~

until now i stil unable to handle this problem..
i tot i do..but when things come complicated, i cant..
once and twice..
i duno how many times i able to effort somemore..
can i leave it like this?
i tot i can..
but i knw i cant..
god~ u gave me many chances i know..
but so sorry..i didn't really appreciate every chances u gave me..
i make it more worst..
i shouldn't ask how and why..
bcoz i know the answer by myself..
jz i lie myself not to know...

sorry~

sorry..i'm really sorry..
i hurt both of them in the same time..
i duno wat should i do in that moment..
i jz know that it's wrong but i duno how to get it right..
if i have the chance, i wish to continue the life i having..
but i didn't..i need to stop i know..
sorry..
i know i hurted u..
i know it's sad..
i know it's bad..
forgive me if u think i worth to..

ns~miss~

suddenly i refer back to my own video..
one of the video is from agnes..
i miss her so much..
one of my best fren in ns..
while watching the video, i miss them +++++!!!!
more and more i miss..
i miss eunice~(the one who fren the most with me ^^) !! i miss agnes~(the one who lessbian with me) !! i miss man ling~(the one who quite same look with me >.<) !! i miss ah ton~(the one who always blur among us) !! i miss ah teng~ (the one who eyes very big and funny) !!
but then, y i miss de ppl also from delta group?
where is my bravo group frens??!!
oh~!! i miss apple ooi..the thin fellow~ i miss sze nan..the one i call her kap jie~ i miss them..really..
i miss kuilian..the one who having the same name "kui" with me..
i miss maggie..the one stay in ku but we never met..
i miss them..

even we jz gather for 3months..
but i realised that i can miss them after that..
is this shows human's heart??
i really miss them..
really..
miss..
hope to hug all of them now..
hope to gather right now..
duno y..
suddenly got a strong feeling ask me to do so..
really miss~!!!!!
appreciate feeling...
i miss you~

growing~

b4 i sign in my blog...~
i realised a thing..
from my cute niece, Charlene Loo~
my sister-in-law calling her :"bao bei, bring the towel here."
(her brother, my nephew, Charles Loo, is cleaning up in bathroom right now)
charlene replied :" oh~."
i wonder~ 2years old ++ baby~ i haven really saw b4 the way she in responsible~
then i look out from my room..
oh~really..she took the towel to the bathroom for her mom..
one of the things i saw..she really show her "elder sister" look..
finally no lao gai..
and now, i hearing charles mumbling "baba~papa~mama~"
then charlene responding "didi, didi, didi~~"
seems like teaching her younger brother to talk~
is this a sense of growing up?

am i growing up too?

wat can i do?

i dont wan u all misunderstood..
thats why i'm good with everyone..
but i'm wrong..
bcoz if like this, other ppl tot i'm too open for that..
shit~
teach me how la..
if u were me..
wat wil u do?
maybe u wil direct be cruel...
maybe u wil accept it..
but....
both i wont..
thats why there is no ppl to blame but myself..

my blog~

actually this blog i created not wish anyone to read it or comment it..
but i jz wish to have a space in expressing my feeling..
or my thinking..
i really need a space..
when i'm tired..
when i'm confuse..

i didn't wish anyone to comment or "an wei"..
but i wish everyone to understand my situation..

prostitute..

sometimes i asking myself..
y i jz like a prostitute..
sorry, i know it sounds rude..
wat to do..
sometimes being good, i felt so..
maybe not that serious..
but a partner "for all"..
it sounds worst again..
or should i say cheap?
god..
wat am i talking about..
maybe i sholudn't post this..
but its wat i feel..

sigh~

wat day is today.. i dont think i done the wrong things..
but i knw i did wrongly since the first day..
i din blame anyone but myself..
wat can i do actually?
is it the way i should do?

why i tell u the truth..bcoz i duno wats the reason to lie..
why i act ntg..bcoz its the truth..

am i a bad girl?
wat do u all think of me actually?
is my fault to blame..
why so?

i'm blur n confuse..
jz bcoz i dun wish to hurt anybody..
am i wrong? i really wish to hear the answer of "no"..

ji mui~
thanks for finally understand my feeling and my tiredness..

direct staright~

wat i think i say it out..
wat i wonder i ask immediately..
wat i dont like i show my reluctant..
wat i angry i scold by now..

but is this direct straight pattern suit for everyone?
i duno.. but i did it to someone i know..
should i?
i duno.. i jz dont like the way to express my feeling in other ways..
i dont wish to have any misunderstood situation..
i jz like to let u all know the truth..

i knw its really hurt..
but i wanted to let u knw the truth..
i dont wan to keep it and show another look of mine..
but i knw u cant accept it..
even myself also think that is cruel..

or else, wat can i do to let u know the truth??

water day~

gosh~
wat day is 2day?
are u countdown-ing?
but i'm all the way related myself with water..
H2O~
early in the morning..i woke up b4 my alarm ring..
after cleaning up myself from bathroom...its rang~
on the way i switch it off.. i slipped~ luckily i managed to balance myself..
but i knocked my toes~ is ok..normal..

in the evening.. i went for the year end gathering..
again.. i slipped~ with the water which poured on the floor..
this time, i couldn't manage to balance n i fell..
however, i manage to avoid the serious fall..
but i knocked my waist~ is ok..my slipper problem..

in the same gathering.. i tidying the left out foods..
suddenly..the cup of carbonated drinks..
pour or more likely to say as splash! on my leg..
yes..is my whole leg.. wat a clean bathing with my leg~~~~
sticky feeling~unlucky feeling~wat to do respond..~

actually..

suddenly~everyone asking me about that..
i duno wat to answer actually.
sunddenly~everyone misunderstood about that..
i duno wat to explain actually..

actually~i dont wish anyone to misunderstood..
thats why i wish to treat fair to all..
actually~sometimes i did misunderstood myself too..
thats why i wish someone to show me my way..
actually~i really wish to know more..
thats why i'm kept on asking n surveying..

actually when the second u told me that u felt my caring on him..
i'm asking myself.. is it? no..
but i wonder..if i didn't, why wil u say so?
i'm asking myself.. wat did i did??

actually i care for everyone who care for me..
actually i protecting everyone who care for me..
actually i doesn't mean to hurt everyone who care for me..
actually i wish to smile happily with everyone who care for me..
actually i wish to enjoy every second with everyone who care for me..
actually i did felt the happy with everyone who care for me..
actually, everyone who care for me, u all helped me to release my stress..
thanks a lot..

不得不承认

**再见还能是朋友吗？**


这城市谁关掉了灯

一个人的夜那么深

只剩下分针倒数清晨

一整夜是谁在敲门

寂寞和想念好难分

像双人床上你的空枕

开始怀疑我对爱没天份

一次又一次和幸福擦身

应该怪自己爱得太认真 还是太愚笨

最后我不得不承认

爱一个人，谁也不能，幸福满分

你和我毕竟不是神

最后我不得不承认

爱情的刃，可以解困，也能伤人

你和我挥霍了青春

下一秒变成陌生

微笑祝福转身，

仿佛未曾发生

镜子前的我脸上还有泪痕

有一丝倔强在硬撑

爱的反面不一定就是恨

我对爱再不分

狠下心勇敢去承认

若你碰到他

**人总是爱逞强。。

但往往我们都忘了，

真心的祝福总是让人更痛心。。**

我的脆弱坚强 互相作战

理性与感性 失去平衡感

不想让自己活在过去的遗憾

问宇宙他是否还爱我吗

这问题早就有答案

若你碰到他 替我问候他

告诉他我过得很美满

已忘记他 已把泪水全部擦干

若你碰到他 替我问候他

祝福他和他的另一半
不在乎他 不再爱也不再等待

就这样吧 若你碰到他

我的自私慷慨 互相挑战

黑夜白天颠倒 造成困扰

常在最乐观时 突然跌进沮丧

为何失恋后想恢复那么困难

只好找些催眠的话

爱 没有绝对

虽曾经以为

我终于体会

爱 不能倒退

该让它颓废 收起心碎

没那麼简单

**爱，其实可以很简单很单纯。。

爱，其实可以和轻松很舒服。。

爱，其实可以不要束缚。。

但爱，有时候也需要保护。。**

没那麼简单

就能找到 聊得来的伴

尤其是在 看过了那麼多的背叛

总是不安 只好强悍 谁谋杀了我的浪漫

没那麼简单

就能去爱 别的全不看

变得实际 也许好也许坏各一半

不爱孤单 一久也习惯

不用担心谁 也不用被谁管

感觉快乐就忙东忙西

感觉累了就放空自己

别人说的话 随便听一听 自己作决定

不想拥有太多情绪

一杯红酒配电影

在周末晚上 关上了手机 舒服窝在沙发里

相爱没有那麼容易

每个人有他的脾气

过了爱作梦的年纪

轰轰烈烈不如平静

幸福没有那麼容易

才会特别让人著迷

什麼都不懂的年纪

曾经最掏心 所以最开心 曾经

想念最伤心 但却最动心 的记忆

你是我的幸福吗？

**其实最好和最坏都掌握在自己手里。。
一直希望自己得到更好的。。
才会去挑剔目前的好。。**






总是相信有更好的 会在前方
就不顾一切的
飘洋过海去, 用尽一生寻找


倦了累了渴望拥抱,
却找不到,
才忽然想起你还在我身后,
静静等着我,给我依靠


你是我的幸福吗?
为何幸福让人如此忧郁,
爱情渐渐模糊,
你的付出,
我总不够清楚,



你是我的幸福吗?
为何幸福让人变得忧郁,
我爱你不再怀疑,
只想对你说,
我愿意..

我很想爱他

**有时候宁愿选择推出。。

有时候是自己不敢去爱。。**

天空下起雨了

他撑的伞

在你的身边陪着

可是我不快乐

因为看见

他脸上的笑

是很勉强的

我很想爱他

但是眼睛在说谎

隐瞒比较容易吧

免得感情变得复杂

我很想爱他

但是理智在吵架

退出可以解围吗

谁能给我一个好的回答

爱情是模糊的

可怜的是

没有勇气选择

如果再舍不得

这样下去

我们每个人

都是受害者

当爱情陷在危险边缘

是否都会伤痕累累

是否都会苦不堪言

爱情教会我们都放不下

当我知道你们相爱

**虽然我很象不在状况内，

但是却对这首歌感触许多。。

是因为我站在某些角度？

还是。。我是当事者？**

和你分手已多年

本来不应该怀缅

可是已习惯夜里回忆重演

无法解释

也无法改变

刚好接到你一封信

信内说到你的恋情

你和他之间

充满美丽憧憬

好想祝福

却言不由衷心

当我知道你们相爱

有了开始有了未来

想替你开心

人却无法释怀

我的悲哀在眼底徘徊

当我知道你们相爱

我的心底泛起许多无奈

我的心在哭

我真的在乎

你的离开

此情难再

恋爱

"我是在恋爱吗？"

当你进入一段感情时，你有否问过自己，你正在恋爱吗？

你确定你明白恋爱的意思？

是怎样？

是如何？

有什么不一样？

真的能分辨吗？

比起亲密异性朋友，什么分别你清楚吗？

鱼翁

鱼翁的出现，是为了平息这件事情吗？

鱼翁会是谁？

蚌又为了什么而争？

如果你问我

如果你问我，我的选择。。

我还是回答你，我不知道。。

如果你问我，两人的差异。。

我还是会回答，各有千秋。。

如果你问我，到底爱谁。。

我还是会回答，我自己。。

如果你问我，我在乎过吗。。

我会回答，其实我在乎。。

如果你问我，我想你吗。。

我会回答，其实我挂念。。

如果你问我，会注意你吗。。

我会回答，其实我会。。

如果你问我，鱼翁是谁。。

我会回答，我在等待。。

但这一切并不是我想要的。。

答案很简单

其实我的答案很简单。。

我想要的只是一个伴。。

我想要的就是维持。。

可是我知道你们要的不是如此。。

所以我选择沉默。。

我相信

我相信有时候的反应并不是因为在乎。。

有时侯事情来得太突然，根本没有机会去想该怎么做。。

我相信我的确是伤害太多的人，但是我根本不懂事情的处理方式。。

我承认是我不懂得拒绝。。。

是我带着自私的心态还是在乎的心态？

对不起，如果你受伤了。。

心情

最近心情反复不定。。

一大早就想打开窗口透透气, 满脑浮现伤心怀旧歌曲，有一种想落泪的感觉。。

一个人回家的路上就想炸一炸歌。。

可是却怎么也平伏不了～

am i?

我以为是成全，你却说你的不愉快~
i'm wrong..sorry..

我是不是该安静的走开，还是该勇敢留下来。。
i'm suffer..can i go..?

其实我都知道~
i try to escape actually..

again..

i try to clear my mind..
i try to get rid of..
i try to close my ears..
i try to pay my attention..
i try to understand well..
i try to slap myself..
i try to ignore..
i try to smile..
i try to force myself..
i try to forget..
..
..
..
but i knw i failed..
i knw i care..
i knw i mind..
i knw i hate..
i knw i cant concentrate..
i knw i miss..
i knw i sad..
i knw i down..
i knw i angry..
i knw i cry..
..
..
..
i wont forgive wat u had done..
i jz can act as normal, but mark in my heart..
i jz can cry in a corner, but smile on face..
i jz can sleep all the way n dont wish to be waked..

sorry~

so sorry if i hurt u..
i knw it's really hurt..
i knw wat urs feeling..
i din ignored it b4..
i din try to ignore too..
everytimes i care it..
everytimes i be silent..
everytimes i stand beside..
but everytimes i notice it..
i doesn't mean wan let it be complicated..
but it comes to be..
i'm so sorry..
once a thing happened, i couldn't reject it..
i knw is my fault to blame..
so i apologise..
i knw is not used to it..
so i let it continue..
i knw it should be end..
so i try to convince myself..
i knw wat shud i do..
so i try to do it..
but i think i'm failing..
you.. i realised everythings..
and i get to know everythings too..
i feel it..
and i try my best too..
i jz can say..
sometimes action or reaction doesn't means anything..
sometimes i walk away doesn't means i dont care..
sometimes i ask about it doesn't means i accept it..
somethings that should not be please dont let it to be..
you.. it doesn't mean i dont know..
i knw everythings..
but i dunwan to say anything..
i'm not that clever to judge everythings..
but i wish something that will not happened..
i try my best to balance it..
and i hope i can did it..
i try my best to turn it in a round-about..
and i hope R2 wont be zero..
i saw the respond on everything..
i jz can say that i'm not that small as u tot..
somethings that should not start please dont let it to be..
you.. knowing that it's a dream..
even hope to continue it..
but sometimes we should face the music..
so i choose the be normal and simple..
wish u to be happy..

sad~

i'm sad.. very sad very down..
my mood swing seriously..
i duno wat shud i do..
i felt very pressure..
everythings that around me..
so messy.. or i let it be messy..
i really need some time..
need some time to release..
need some time to control myself..
need some time to rest..
but my time management going poor n poor..
wat happened on me..?
after going to the pre U life..
watever normal becomes abnormal..
i'm really mentally n physically tired..
for you, for him, for her and for them..
please.. i dont wish to see again n again..
please..dont ask me..
please..give me some chance to advice myself..
please..give me some time..
please..care for those ppl around u..
please..dont let me hurt u once..
please..dont ignored me..
please..dont overjudged me..
please..give me some way to go..
please..release me from stress..
please..tell me the truth..
please..dont affect me..
please..believe me..
please..dont force me..
please..understand my situation..
please..dont make me to choose..
please..dont blame me for everythings..
please..let me go..

i knw i'm wrong sometimes..
why dont u give me a chance..
i knw i'm bad sometimes..
why dont think wat the reason..
i knw i'm not good enuf..
why dont bring me to a good way..

i just wan to have a normal life..
i just wan to be simple..
i just wan to learn..
can u please dont be so materialistic..
can u please make it more simple..
can u please believe that simple way leads to a happy life...??

5sibling~

when ppl asked about my family members..
actually i felt proud to say that i have 5sibling included me..
since i was young, until now as a teen..

but i saw the different actually..
i'm sad..i'm down..
when there is a problem, actually 5sibling are not much enuf to handle it..
when there is a problem, i found that we are too less to face the problem..
i counted, 1 solve a, 2solve b, 3solve c, 4solve d.. efghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz? who gonna solve it??

pre U life~

i like to called myself as a pre university student..
as this can show that i'm getting much bigger elder n higher..
actually i didn't know that y did i chose such way..
the road never taken.. i miss u actually..
but i knw i had walked for a distance...
i forced myself not to make a U turn..
i knw im front there stil got another short cut to go..
but i tell myself not to go there..
i wish to enjoy the way i walk along this road..
i'm happy now.. even thought i hurt by many roots n leaf..
but i knw those scar wil let me grow much bigger..

on the way going, i met a lot of travellers too..
i met some senior who already travelled for 1year..
they shared their experience..
they taught me alot..
i wont forget them until my life end..

besides that, those travellers are also friendly to know about..
we share we joy while we walking in the journey..
i wil continue my journey.. yes, i will!!

waiting~

u knw that i wont wait for ur return..
as i knw that u wont return too..
from that day u told me u wont, i tel myself i wont wait too..
u always break ur promise..
since the first day we started, until the last day we ended..

do u stil rmbr?
that day when u came back..
u told me.. or i shud say that u asked me to...
u asked me to wait for u..
u tel me all the bad things that u faced from ur new girl..
u tel me that u wil leave her as fast as u can..
are my heart happy? no, sorry..
i din even happy..as i din wanted u to come back too..
but i felt happy when u realised that i'm better than her..
that is enuf..enuf to relief my pain..
my pain.. from the last day u hurt me with her good n benefits..
all the hurt had been relief after u realised..

anyway, i wont wait for ur return..
i didn't start for another relation, doesn't mean that i miss u..
jz means that i understood the consequence for every relation..

u din made me angry..
u din made me cry..
u din have such big influence as u thought..

from our photo~

suddenly, i refer back to my friendster account..
i saw alot of photos.. alot of memory recall me..
so happy to get back my old photo which i lost last time..
but..
when i click in a private folder...
i saw our photo inside..
yes, i haven delete the album yet..
y i din did so? i dont know.. and i dunwan to knw too..
but when i saw each photo, my heart seems like talking somethings to me..
the heartbeat is abnormal.. but i knw its not the beat that called miss..
i knew that i already put it off..put it down..even thrown..
but i stil save the album..maybe is jz for memory..
maybe?? not.. its true that is for memory~

our photo recalled our happy moment along that 1 and a half year..
r we that close? unable to remind myself..
i miss that sweet n close feeling..
but i not miss u..

NS's life~

hmmm...wat to say..
in NS i found that i changed much..

first of all, i knw many new fren by my own..
as u all who knw me know that i'm a person who duno or anti social~
something like that la.. but on the first day i went to camp, i can make fren easily..

maybe bcoz everyone also alone there n need a fren..
so as our target is the same, then we made frenzz..
so glad i met some of the best fren..
some of them is from klang too..

but i quite sad n disappointed that i cant knw more fren from other places..
as i knw, the camp only received students from selangor, kl and perak~

wat the XXXXXXXX.. the camp's location at perak but stil got perak ppl got choose to perak camp.. so every week their parents wil visit them n make us felt jealous~
shit! but nvm la.. when their parents came, we wil tumpang kasih n eat with them..haha >.<

ok..i think the most benefits for us is.....is we got free lunch there..
everythings we ate are free~haha ^^ the activities actually not bad la..

but if wan us kawad under the sun with the thick askar wear........................
it really changed everyone to darknessssss...not only the skin dark~the mental of us also dark~~
fainting all the time..
even wearing nice baju kebudayaan, we need to kawad too..ya la, disiplin~
so far so good lor~

hmmm..the place we sleep stil clean n neat..good~
the toilet~~~~~~ok lor.. "mei hiam beh pai" "ai hiam kanasai" lehhhhh ~

my frenzzz!!!! miss u all...

hey, my frenzzz.. i really miss u all very much...
haiz...in NS..... i felt myself changed much..
really hope that my fren wont forgot me~
that day i got my phone n sms one of my fren..
she (jing) said that she so miss me.. that second i really felt touch..~
i really miss all of u..
i felt so sad..bcoz i couldn't celebrate my cny with all of u..
so wasted..~ need to blame my NS~
the holiday gave to us are so less..only 4days..
wat to do....i need to back my hometown in penang~
so i straight from my camp back to penang..but then no time to return klang d..
sry my fren.. i really miss all of u and wish to meet u all..
but so sry.. i cant... the time not allow..
i also din apply for longer holiday~
bcoz 17feb we wil start M16!!!!yeahhhh~
i dunwan to miss this chance..
i being that black now i think is worth if i got M16 b4..rite??
hope u all wont forgot me n wont blame me...
duno hw u all's life for the past 1month..
i jz knw that my life in NS is the same everyday..and i already suit myself in it d..
fren....miss u all a lot...