helpless T.T

haiz..wat day is today..
even it is the end of today..
also gave me such memory..
my heart stil beating..since jznow until now..

the second i knocked the person car..
god..my mind is blank..
i'm stupid..
i tot a sorry can settle..but his car is hurted i know..
wat can i do.. the person taught me..
"miss, sorry also useless.."
"call your ppl see how much u wan to pay.."
ya, call.. then...i unlock my phone..
blank..
who to call??
i jz can call back my fren in the other car..
praying they know some friends who know about car..

finally, i called my bro..
god really blessed me..
my bro always not here at this time..
when the moment i dial his phone..
my hope is dead..and i really duno wat to do.....
but my sis-in-law pick it up..luckily..

at last..i know the person jz wan some money..
ya..some money...but such a huge money for me...
(i tell you, dont be happy when u use that money! dont tel me u really go JB tommorrow!)

(you know..i used to blame everythings that i could..but i didn't..i telling myself not the way to settle down myself...i blame the person jz wan to money...i blame the person lie to me...i blame the person not really rushing back to JB...i blame the person jz trying some stupid on me this small kids in their mind....i blame and blame!!!! but i know not the way....i know he really going back JB...i know he really need some money to repair his car....i know his car really not that nice after my knock....i know i know and i know..............wat the fuck!)

do u know...even i'm scared..even i'm worry..
i stil able to handle my emotional..
but the moment i press my phone contact....
i really duno who to dial...
i jz realised how helpless am i...
i wonder....
even my mom din answer my call..
not the first time...i used to blame her last time..
but now, not, anymore...

and i wonder...
if i'm the one who going to take my last breath just now..
who am i going to say my last word..
who am i going to text my last msg..
who am i going to call and say goodbye...

i know the one should be my sister..
but she was not here for this few days..
and i faced the problem..
always i asking myself..
if one day she going to marry oversea?
leave me to be independent...

ya, is the first step let me to learn to be independent..
but i failed..
i cant settle with that guy..

this accident..
nothing to be blame..
not the funeral..not my friends..not the mamak..not the car..not the person..
is me myself..
since the second i knocked..
i blame myself failed in reverse..
and the next second..
i sad for my helpless.....
am i alone in this world??
i hope i'm not..
and i admit that i need somebody and i'm not independent at all at all....