sadness during holiday~

quite a long time i din get a new post for my dear blog~
this few days...how was my going?? how are me??
bad..totally sad..
at first...
i tot is something again like mood swing..
my mood suddenly turns emo..
no why..
but after that..i found that everythings happenned with a reason..
and so i know why am i emo..
the things that made me sad is totally shouldn't be..
but why i stil into it....
i dont know why i so care about it..
but i'm really sad..

i had a great shopping this holiday..
with my own salary..with my own decision..
which i never been tried b4..and i did it on my 18~ =)
the first i did....is waste on him....i shouldn't..
i regret after that...why i did that on him??i wonder....
and i sad jz bcoz of him....
i think i'm wrong...yes..i'm totally wrong...
i never ever do this b4..
even to him.. i never..
at first i tot is worth to do so...but now, is not....

every single msg i sent it to him..
i sad once... he doesn't know about that..
maybe he did, but i dont think so..
every call i dialled..
i disappoint once.. and i really wish he could know..

i'm asking myself why did i care for...
and i jz wan to know why..
and i wan to know wat is the reason..
jz that simple...but i couldn't get it..

drama~

ystrday midnight...
it's 1am... and i on the laptop....to watch the drama....
i know sure i wont sleep after the first episode..
that is my bad attitude~
and until 330am~
finally i confirm that i wont be awake in 8am..
but i had dated my fren to badminton...how how?? sleep~
and i really over slept (Z.Z)

i'm getting crazy with drama...
since i enjoying the day in form6, i had really forgot my drama...
the last one....
i think.....is the "gong sam kai"....
or...."kar hou yuet yun" ??
forgot about that...
but i hate drama actually~!!!!
bcoz i'll get into it...
i'll scold, i'll cry, i'll in love, i'll put all the situation to myself....
and always it mades me think as much as i could~
not i wan to blame it...but really lorrrrrrrr~~uncontrolable!!!!

and now i continue...
first, i watch until 330am..
next, i watch from 2pm-7pm..
then, i watch from 9pm-12am..
i think i'm escaping from my hmwk~~
not the way please.....i quite wish to pull myself out of it...
but i not willing to put out my hand to get out.....

this few days~
suddenly get addicted with badminton..
is jz the only one sport i think i can do it..
why am i so excited to join sport?
as i'm not the type of sporting person..
the most reason is stil keep fit..

duno why i really gain my weight...
since i entered my form6 life..
is it form6 life very nice??
and so it allow me to gain my weight??
in this half year??
jz like wat ppl always say blissful?? xing fu??
omg!! i totally.........quite enjoying actually =)

and so~~
today..i had a great talk with my sister..
(i'm always the best ear for her..
but she not my mic to speak out my prob~
maybe...i'm stil the one who cant say it too details simply..
sometimes i realised that my closer fren know me better than my family~)
ok, return back, i chat quite a long time with her..
and i found that the life for a worker or an adult is sXXk..
so bored are them..she told me duno wat can do after her working time..
some of her fren had really enjoy the work..
until midnight jz bcoz of the report, proposal, sales, account, plan, whatever......
jz like my bro done when i visit him in the penang..
he works at home until 4am and i duno wat he busy actually..
jz facing the computer..the laptop...the paper.....
is this is one kind of enjoy?? i'm doubt~
if u choose to enjoy ur work, jz like this kind of person...
ok, your working life is not bored but busy...u wan it??
or jz like another type...
after 5pm, ring~~~done.. dinner with fren? yam cha? watch movie? shopping?
that is the bored life i meant it..
both having the same salary, or i shud say not really have OT $ for those hardwokers....
jz bcoz u like the job and u "enjoy" it??

i got a question actually~~
if u were a doctor..
u wil do example 5operations a day..
and today, u can choose to have 8operations..
the extra 3 u do it or not...
but that is no additional of salary..is in your working time...
wil u bcoz of ur interest in operation and do it??
and as a doctor, sure u having the interest so u're here...
so wil u?? jz one kind of my interest, is ok, i can do it~
am i think too much xD maybe...

but maybe the most i stil lock on the salary...
a work....bcoz of interest?? bcoz of salary?? bcoz of future??
same as a course u choose....bcoz of wat actually???

i'm asking myself....am i really stil stick with my psychology dream??
sigh~ many ppl adviced me....it's zero in my country..they no need this....
but....my interest?? or jz another..maybe....really an engineer? however....it's less than....
wat to do...i stil doubt....about myself...
are you ok??

new friend =)

and i doesn't know the reason..
and i jz simply to find a person to express..
as i think maybe u're the right one..
then....
u had called me..
surprise..
and we had too..
realised that we're the same..
and....
we jz know the truth of each...
and...
i had a new friend..
=)
nice to meet you, my friend ^^
you had helped me and wake me up..thanks =)

not my coffee

that day i really sad..
no, i means that moment..
that moment i received the msg...
my tears drop down immediately..
i dont know why got such strong feeling..
i hurted..i felt sad..
but no one for me to speak out...

at first, i tot he could..
i tot maybe he is the one who can hear my sad..
but....i'm wrong..
he never care about it..
i know it's jz a really small case..
but...i jz need somebody to speak out..
he doesn't know...

i received his call..but...nothing..
i'm crying all the way..
all the way i answering the phone..
non-stop... but he doesn't know..
as he knoe i'm flu there..
he continue his happy talking there..
and i lost my control...
finally he know i'm crying..
but then i doesn't know he wil have such respond..
"wat happened? is it the sick made u felt suffer??"
god..i refer back my mind...he know wat i sad about rite..
no advice, fine..but then change away that case...
i'm not that kind of ppl who really care for my sick wat...
everyone who know me wil know about it rite...
why not him too...god...

and so i double confirm wat my heart think about always...
if a person really dont understand, no point u keep on explain again..
this is the presonalise he had..
and this is wat i dont wish to have..
it caused much..he wont know about that...
he stil dont know wat i'm worry wat i'm thinking always..
and he wil not know about that...

sometimes, i laugh or smile doesn't means my heart did so..

penang~

i'm sad..
that day..
i try my best way..
to make myself to penang..
again and again..
i miss once and twice..
delay and postponed..
but stil..
god not allow me to go...
is i too greedy??
maybe..
wat u told me...ya, this is one kind of greedy..
i must give up one of them...

the only reason is jz i wan go to penang!!!
why cant...why the only tuition time also wan change it...
why so many things in the school....
why why why....
why i willing to stay up here but i done nothing for it...
why the job doesn't make me feel i'm worth to be stayed...
sigh..
i jz wan to go back..
jz wan to visit my only grandma there..
jz wan to accompany her..
jz wan to take the only chance i free..
jz wan jz wan~!!!!
why i cant...

and i'm happy when my tuition had been cancelled..
maybe that moment my tears drop..
he felt it??haha..and so he cancalled the class (for sure not bcoz me la..)
then.....
my dad works got some problem...
duno is it ok there...
if haven done then....cant back again...

god...i really wish...really...
the first time...such huge feeling wan me to go back...
no other chance..unless wait until cny again...
but thats different...
jz give me this chance can??please..
i wan to go back..my true heart....
not many time i can visit her anymore..
i dont want to regret...
i love her i miss her..
so much so much...

helpless T.T

haiz..wat day is today..
even it is the end of today..
also gave me such memory..
my heart stil beating..since jznow until now..

the second i knocked the person car..
god..my mind is blank..
i'm stupid..
i tot a sorry can settle..but his car is hurted i know..
wat can i do.. the person taught me..
"miss, sorry also useless.."
"call your ppl see how much u wan to pay.."
ya, call.. then...i unlock my phone..
blank..
who to call??
i jz can call back my fren in the other car..
praying they know some friends who know about car..

finally, i called my bro..
god really blessed me..
my bro always not here at this time..
when the moment i dial his phone..
my hope is dead..and i really duno wat to do.....
but my sis-in-law pick it up..luckily..

at last..i know the person jz wan some money..
ya..some money...but such a huge money for me...
(i tell you, dont be happy when u use that money! dont tel me u really go JB tommorrow!)

(you know..i used to blame everythings that i could..but i didn't..i telling myself not the way to settle down myself...i blame the person jz wan to money...i blame the person lie to me...i blame the person not really rushing back to JB...i blame the person jz trying some stupid on me this small kids in their mind....i blame and blame!!!! but i know not the way....i know he really going back JB...i know he really need some money to repair his car....i know his car really not that nice after my knock....i know i know and i know..............wat the fuck!)

do u know...even i'm scared..even i'm worry..
i stil able to handle my emotional..
but the moment i press my phone contact....
i really duno who to dial...
i jz realised how helpless am i...
i wonder....
even my mom din answer my call..
not the first time...i used to blame her last time..
but now, not, anymore...

and i wonder...
if i'm the one who going to take my last breath just now..
who am i going to say my last word..
who am i going to text my last msg..
who am i going to call and say goodbye...

i know the one should be my sister..
but she was not here for this few days..
and i faced the problem..
always i asking myself..
if one day she going to marry oversea?
leave me to be independent...

ya, is the first step let me to learn to be independent..
but i failed..
i cant settle with that guy..

this accident..
nothing to be blame..
not the funeral..not my friends..not the mamak..not the car..not the person..
is me myself..
since the second i knocked..
i blame myself failed in reverse..
and the next second..
i sad for my helpless.....
am i alone in this world??
i hope i'm not..
and i admit that i need somebody and i'm not independent at all at all....