new friend =)

and i doesn't know the reason..
and i jz simply to find a person to express..
as i think maybe u're the right one..
then....
u had called me..
surprise..
and we had too..
realised that we're the same..
and....
we jz know the truth of each...
and...
i had a new friend..
=)
nice to meet you, my friend ^^
you had helped me and wake me up..thanks =)

not my coffee

that day i really sad..
no, i means that moment..
that moment i received the msg...
my tears drop down immediately..
i dont know why got such strong feeling..
i hurted..i felt sad..
but no one for me to speak out...

at first, i tot he could..
i tot maybe he is the one who can hear my sad..
but....i'm wrong..
he never care about it..
i know it's jz a really small case..
but...i jz need somebody to speak out..
he doesn't know...

i received his call..but...nothing..
i'm crying all the way..
all the way i answering the phone..
non-stop... but he doesn't know..
as he knoe i'm flu there..
he continue his happy talking there..
and i lost my control...
finally he know i'm crying..
but then i doesn't know he wil have such respond..
"wat happened? is it the sick made u felt suffer??"
god..i refer back my mind...he know wat i sad about rite..
no advice, fine..but then change away that case...
i'm not that kind of ppl who really care for my sick wat...
everyone who know me wil know about it rite...
why not him too...god...

and so i double confirm wat my heart think about always...
if a person really dont understand, no point u keep on explain again..
this is the presonalise he had..
and this is wat i dont wish to have..
it caused much..he wont know about that...
he stil dont know wat i'm worry wat i'm thinking always..
and he wil not know about that...

sometimes, i laugh or smile doesn't means my heart did so..

penang~

i'm sad..
that day..
i try my best way..
to make myself to penang..
again and again..
i miss once and twice..
delay and postponed..
but stil..
god not allow me to go...
is i too greedy??
maybe..
wat u told me...ya, this is one kind of greedy..
i must give up one of them...

the only reason is jz i wan go to penang!!!
why cant...why the only tuition time also wan change it...
why so many things in the school....
why why why....
why i willing to stay up here but i done nothing for it...
why the job doesn't make me feel i'm worth to be stayed...
sigh..
i jz wan to go back..
jz wan to visit my only grandma there..
jz wan to accompany her..
jz wan to take the only chance i free..
jz wan jz wan~!!!!
why i cant...

and i'm happy when my tuition had been cancelled..
maybe that moment my tears drop..
he felt it??haha..and so he cancalled the class (for sure not bcoz me la..)
then.....
my dad works got some problem...
duno is it ok there...
if haven done then....cant back again...

god...i really wish...really...
the first time...such huge feeling wan me to go back...
no other chance..unless wait until cny again...
but thats different...
jz give me this chance can??please..
i wan to go back..my true heart....
not many time i can visit her anymore..
i dont want to regret...
i love her i miss her..
so much so much...

helpless T.T

haiz..wat day is today..
even it is the end of today..
also gave me such memory..
my heart stil beating..since jznow until now..

the second i knocked the person car..
god..my mind is blank..
i'm stupid..
i tot a sorry can settle..but his car is hurted i know..
wat can i do.. the person taught me..
"miss, sorry also useless.."
"call your ppl see how much u wan to pay.."
ya, call.. then...i unlock my phone..
blank..
who to call??
i jz can call back my fren in the other car..
praying they know some friends who know about car..

finally, i called my bro..
god really blessed me..
my bro always not here at this time..
when the moment i dial his phone..
my hope is dead..and i really duno wat to do.....
but my sis-in-law pick it up..luckily..

at last..i know the person jz wan some money..
ya..some money...but such a huge money for me...
(i tell you, dont be happy when u use that money! dont tel me u really go JB tommorrow!)

(you know..i used to blame everythings that i could..but i didn't..i telling myself not the way to settle down myself...i blame the person jz wan to money...i blame the person lie to me...i blame the person not really rushing back to JB...i blame the person jz trying some stupid on me this small kids in their mind....i blame and blame!!!! but i know not the way....i know he really going back JB...i know he really need some money to repair his car....i know his car really not that nice after my knock....i know i know and i know..............wat the fuck!)

do u know...even i'm scared..even i'm worry..
i stil able to handle my emotional..
but the moment i press my phone contact....
i really duno who to dial...
i jz realised how helpless am i...
i wonder....
even my mom din answer my call..
not the first time...i used to blame her last time..
but now, not, anymore...

and i wonder...
if i'm the one who going to take my last breath just now..
who am i going to say my last word..
who am i going to text my last msg..
who am i going to call and say goodbye...

i know the one should be my sister..
but she was not here for this few days..
and i faced the problem..
always i asking myself..
if one day she going to marry oversea?
leave me to be independent...

ya, is the first step let me to learn to be independent..
but i failed..
i cant settle with that guy..

this accident..
nothing to be blame..
not the funeral..not my friends..not the mamak..not the car..not the person..
is me myself..
since the second i knocked..
i blame myself failed in reverse..
and the next second..
i sad for my helpless.....
am i alone in this world??
i hope i'm not..
and i admit that i need somebody and i'm not independent at all at all....

guilty..

god~i did a stupid thing i think..
my god~ i duno wat happen to myself..
i cant meet my fren now~no choice..have to meet my dear blog to express~~

blog arr....blog......
do u know....
the first time..i attend to the wedding ceremony..
i planned the game..
i helped the bride..
i'm enjoying~
and i got a conclusion...
the wedding is not systematic at all..=="'
not well-planned at all..
is not the most memorable at all..
and......my wedding next time WONT be like that~

did you know my pretty bride??
bcoz of your buffet dinner at night..
i rejected 2persons date..haha..
actually i'm quite happy~XD
i duno y suddenly both of them dated me..
anyhow....
after the dinner~~~~
then~~~~
something happenned~~~~
ermmmm...
blog ar...
actually for me i think it's normal la..
jz...duno how to say..
i felt a little bit guilty~
i drove myself to his house and had a supper...
is nothing right~~
but then i duno why we stay there until 3am++ (>.the first time i think..
long time gathering..
so long i din chat with him..
and i did..but i'm stil the same..hearing his talkative~
and i realised, they are the same~ not comparing but i realised it..
after that...as it's late...
he suggested to overnight at his house..
as i drove myself is dangerous to reach my home alone~
i know his mother is fine of that..
i know is ok..
but......my sickness started..
i almost din had my sleep the whole night..
early in the morning i return home IMMEDIATELY..
i duno y my heart feel to escape from his family..
i'm wondering the thinking of their mind~
and i'm panda now~

blog.....
if i'm a girl who in a relationship..
wat do u think the consequence is?
blog..
i jz knew that i'm not a good person..
at all....
i duno why as a girl i could like that..
i duno did i wrong..
but the guilty is occurred...
blog...
this met let me confirm that i'm clear with him..
the first time..
i success to survive =)
and......he stil the same..
i think guys always like that..
got the sickness...
i really wish to tell him, please recall your gf please..
she love you so much..and i'm not at all..
and you??who you love..please consider well b4 u hurted both of us...

guy...
i wont believe you anymore..
1st and 2nd..
i know it wil be the same..
i really wish to be lessbian~
sorry to say that...
i dont think i'm wrong..
but....
sometimes i'm close-minded..
i'm not secure at all..
i wonder who wil be my husband~

my shoes T.T

sad~

i failed to buy my shoes..

finally..

i admit that i really have a small size~

haiz...

the first time..

i even tried the children's shoes..

my god..

i really wish to have that type of shoes..

i never tried b4..

i really wish to T.T

why i failed to get it??

even i try my best not to care about the price..

also failed~~~

sad~~~~T.T

i wan to buy shoes~~~!!!

is my own problem~

abnormal problem~

haiz..sad..

the size of 35..cannot..

the size of 34..er....not bad..but cant walk properly..

the size of 33..omg..child size..too tight for me..

shit~

need something like 33.5??

positive?

fren~
u all always ask me think positive..
r u all sure that is works to let me be happy??
dont u all felt it's funny??
seeing something that sure it wont be ok...
but bluffing yourself to think positive..
dont lie yourself..
your heart even smarter than your own..
dont u know??
dont send your mind to believe something that have the answer on in..
1-1=0, is the fact..i'm wrong means wrong..
dont think positive that there are a line between..
1+1=2, and my answer is correct...
the printing is not that dark??
think positive?
maybe there are some better example in your mind..
and that is wat i means~

stupid ostrich =)

i wish to be ostrich~
i wish to hide in my head~
then i pretend u cant saw me..
as i cant saw u..
then i can live happily..
jz like that day..
escape from ur sigh..
jz bcoz i dunwan to attend..
then i run away..infront of u..
then i told myself u din saw it..
how funny am i?? or i shud say how stupid m i..
but i'm happy =) bcoz i cant see u u cant see me ^^
sometimes, stupid made one happy =)

hate myself~

most of the time..
i hate myself..

i duno why..

i hate myself duno how to reject..
duno how to handle..
duno how to control..
duno how to care..

i hate myself..
always done a thing which i know i'll regret later..
i hate myself..

always wondering..
pepsi or coke?
coffee or tea?
i used to think for a few minutes..
then i regret on my decision later..

always choosing..
rice or noodles?
full or alas perut?
anyhow, sure i made myself regret on both decision..
why am i doing so?
am i crazy?
i know i'm wrong but i stil continue..

always lead to accident...
left or right?
press on oil or brake?
stop or go?
it's yellow light blinking..
and i'm stil moving my leg to the both paddles..
haizzz..i wonder when i going to be hurted...

wat attitude i having??
i wish to have more choices..
but i blocked on those choices..
i'm doing somethings that shouldn't..
again and again....

fren~

fren~
sometimes, i really wish u could understand me more..
fren~
sometimes, i really wish to speak it off..
fren~
sometimes, i really wish to be alone..
fren~
sometimes, i really need your shoulder..
fren~
sometimes, i jz need your ear..
fren~
sometimes, i need your advice too..
fren~
wil u be here for me when i need you?
wil u stay with me whenever i wan?
wil u care for me with a truth heart?
wil u?

and...
who wil me my fren?

got it~

ok~since i get wat u mean..
sorry if u get hurted~
and....
i understood the horoscope story too..
it's really quite accurate and i knew it~
so...
maybe this is your way and that is my opinion..
sure there wil be some different...
time wil prove it.. =)

the truth of the world~

dont know wat happen to me this few days..
suddenly think of many future life..

i watched tv 2day..
an activity i almost forgot..
then....my sick started..
shit..wat a bad sick is this..
psycho thinking maybe..

i saw the drama...
her husband had a relation with another girl..
somemore got pregnant..omg..
the girl forgive him..
why??
should she do so??
a person she loved..
a person she got hurt from..
is it worth?

wat wil be if is me??
i think again...

i went ktv with fren..
saw the mv..
gosh~ seeing your bf with another girl..
how damn close they are..
the girl run away, the guy chase up..
so??
first, think -ve, no forgiveness..
got once means got twice..
second, think +ve, he leave the girl in the room, and chase for u..
he stil care for u..
at last he stil back to u..
he cried for u..
he beg u..
means??
how bad your man be at outside, he will back home too..
is it??
which one u choose?

i asked them..
my fren choose the first..
no way to forgive..
and they always say i'm so emo so optismist..
but i chose second actually..they dont know..

actually i realised many meaning this few days..
suddenly i think that is true that everythings had the other way..
jz see how u think it..
so how my thinking??

i wonder why there is so many choice of thinking too..
a guy who love u..
who confess to u...
how to prove the truthly love u??
if u realised his past,
and know how faithful he is..
so wat?
u can think that he is really faith..
a good guy..
can consider..
second, he is jz showing off..
is jz one of his technique ok...
so he can get to u easier and no need any approvement..

oh god~wat u wan me think of?

first and second..
clever or stupid..
smart or dan cun..
mature or childish..
which one??

why am i thinking such stupid things?
why am i plan so much silly things?
is it it is near to the end of world?
is it this shows the sign to death?
is it i had been getting old?
is it i'm abnormal?
is it i'm overthinking again?
i need a person to speak to..
but duno who should i..
who wil not scolding me??

sometimes i jz wan to be simple..do wat i wan..not to think..not to decide..regret on fast decide..isn't that easy?

dont ask~

since you know wat u going to do..
then wat for u ask me again??
you jz wan to confirm that your decision is right..
so wat u going to do wil be more comfort for you..

but sorry,
u doesn't know that i'm not comfort at all..

please la..
not the first time u did so..
i'm tired k..
i not worth to let u stay and accompany as u said..
i'm fine to be independent k?
jz the way u think..
u tot it is like this..and u act..
u try to attract my attention maybe..
jz using your way to force me to agree with u..
do u know?
every time i agree, actually is reluctantly..
dont u know??
if u really wish to accompany, please...
do it nicely..
use your heart....
your heart to express...
not to plan a lie...
not to act a movie...
a drama...

psycho~

dont ask why i'm psycho~
i just knew it..
i got a psycho family indeed~

the rod wont be straighten..
since the beginning of the rod is bent..

headache family headache life~

acting?

suddenly i refers back to the blog~~
and i got a conclusion..
you're acting..
sorry..
i jz can say so..
you say u dont like to act, you dont want to be fake.
but the situation now is act.
i dont believe that is really like that..
like wat u done to hurt..
to let the time to be pass..
is acting, isn't?

and i wish to ask u, when is the short term u means??
after deepavali?
after lower six?
after upper six?
after trial?
after stpm?
after our U-life?
no such ending?

hey, i wish to express my feeling..
please dont be too purposely to ignore me k?
even i understand wat u doing, also wil be hurted k?
can u turn the other way of your thinking?
can u stand in the point of view of mine?
can u refresh back if i did the same things as u to u?
u sure wil say "wei..piang eh..dont emo.."
ur heart sure wil felt somethings right?
its same goes to me k..
i jz din express it...
trying my hard....really hard to accept the way be ignored..

finally, hope u recovered~

他的感受

当我在考虑那答案时，我总会想起他。。
想起我对他说的话。。
想起他对我说的话。。

我不想那样。。
那不是我要的结局。。

怎么办？
为什么我在乎他的感受？

一直以来我总是以同样的性格面对。。
我忘了当事情有不同的角度不同的人数时，
要怎样随机应变。。
我慌了。。
我错了。。
一开始就错了。。
我以为我可以像以往那样，
可是我看来也伤害到我自己。。

kissing you-miranda cosgrove

"...all the question i've been asking in my head,
like are you the one?
should i really trust?
crystal clear it becomes when i kissing you..."

but there is stil the questions in my head...
when the crystal clear wil come??
i'm stil doubt about that...
i'm stil wondering...
i'm stil knocking my head on the wall....

爱情婚姻男人

我向朋友说我不再相信爱情，更不相信天长地久。。
我说我对爱情不再有信心，好男人绝种了。。

她说你爸爸妈妈不就是一个好例子吗？
你哥哥不是吗？
我愣了一下。。

为什么我愣了？
是因为我说不出事实还是我赞同她的说法？

忽然我觉得可笑。。
我没回答。。
我似乎赞同，
但我更加确定爱情婚姻男人靠不住了。。。