为什么沙巴。。

沙巴-一个听起来觉得很森林的地方。
我却不知不觉地在这地方过自己的生活，超过四个月了。
什么感觉？想家吗？躲在角落哭泣吗？常在被窝里打电话回家吗？
呵呵。。
怎么我什么都没有。。

回想当初，我不像朋友那样为了赌气选了沙巴。。
我不像朋友那样把沙巴放为最后的选择。。
我只不过是完成自己的心愿，自己从中五国明服务时的心愿。。
我达到了，终于达到了！我过海了！
当初我就只是一心一意想要到一个遥远的地方，
就只是想要过自己自力更生的生活。。
当然我知道，背后的故事才是真正的原因。。

我没有为自己担心过。。真的。。
因为我是猪，只要能闭上眼睛，就能睡着。。
因为我是猪，只要那食物是人该吃的，就能 入口。。
不是因为我没要求，不是因为我一故要节俭。。
就只不过我没关系，真的。。

我是个女生，有如此的想法让周边的亲朋戚友不解，我知道的。。
可是我没有加以解释，因为只要我笑笑的对他们说 “嗯，是我自己的第一选择 =) ”  他们就会觉得既然你开心，也不会是件坏事。。

家人没有为我操心。。我知道的。。
这么多年以来，我都是这样过日子。。
在国名服务时，我开心的说那是我开心无忧的日子，而且还是我能吃上正餐的日子！
想当初，人人都吃不惯，人人都想妈妈煮的菜肴，人人都泡面过日子，
我却吃着那些免费的咖哩鸡、仁当鸡，只要不是那多骨的鱼，我都开心的吃！
心里其实默默的说，在这里的生活比在家那天天在外打包的好。。
妈妈不是正中的家庭主妇，妈妈不是不会煮，只不过。。。。。我也不晓得。。

我不知道这一切是否是件好的 事情。。
可是我知道虽然表面的听说真的看似很好很开心，但每当我回想起，其实眼泪都会不知不觉地滑落。。

所以啊， 沙巴， 你真的难不倒我。。
但是心里其实有什么感触我真的不知道。。
或许是自己不想去知道吧。。

FlashBack#

watching back all the history is not a good thing, always...
is true, with the accompanions of sweet memories ;
is true, with the smile that hang on my face when scrolling down each :)
but it had made me re-call all the moment with questions.....

how 2person be such close get that loose right now?
even it is jz few months ago, friend can be a stranger..
where did the energy came from?
did the 2person forgot the moment then went closer?
well, it is 2years past...so??
the feeling of past also lost together with it?
is that true?
i wish to ask, do you remember? Honestly, do you still feel that feeling?
i re-called bcoz i missed.. i re-called bcoz i appreciated...
no matter on that moment or the days after it...

i wonder....
is the time brought us far from each ;
or the heart took us away...

i question...
is the sign of recall means regret ;
or the feeling means care...

i thought...
we will able to be back as initial, but never..

why is there happened to be a seperation...
the flow was so uncertain...
from a stranger, we met...
from a schoolmate, we knew..
from a classmate, we talked..
from a conversation, we understood...
from a friendship, we hold...
from a chat, we tighten..
but...all the process had been ignored....
from a word, we stopped..
from a person, we cooled..
from a conversation, we ended..
from a rumour, we gone.........
and i thought we will never be any except back to the first....
from a fate, we got...
from an end, we met....
from a smile, we smile...
from a hi, i melted...
from a talk, i wish u did feel the same....i wish u rmbr the moment the message the words the feeling.....

#jimui#i miss our friendship#honestly#

想念你

每一天我把它戴上，每一天我把它系上，可是我从来没有如此的怀念。。

今天望着它我想起了你。。想起了我们的回忆。。想起了当初你送上我的时刻。。

当时你想的是什么？当时你要的是什么？当时我逃避的是什么？当时你掉下的泪水是为了什么？

我从没想过我会如此挂念你。。

在你离开的时候，我彷徨。。

在你别恋的时候，我放弃。。

可是我没想过我会再次想念你。。

那股深深的感觉，怎么了。。我怎么了。。

脑里闪过首首歌曲，“看着我们的照片想念若隐若现...”“她进悄悄的来过...”“我飞行但你坠落之际...对不起我却没抓紧你...”

我们的回忆，我们的过去，什么都无法取代。。

来到沙巴的这段日子，认识了很多的新朋友。。

从简单的自我介绍到深入的了解对方，同样的一个问题我一直问自己，你是否是我曾经的唯一。。

回想当时，如果我放下执著，我们现在会在一起吗？

如果我勇敢面对，你会与我一同飞行吗？

如果我们还是朋友，我们还会熬夜聊天吗？

为什么对你有想念？

为什么对我那么好？

为什么不握紧我们的关系？

当初为了什么离开，当初为了什么不在一起，当初为了什么告诉自己你爱上她，当初为了什么再找回我。。

为什么？为什么我不信任离开过我的你？我应该庆幸吗？怎么我想念？

my dearest fren~

to all my dearest ji mui..
i never realised the feeling was that strong to me.
and i dont even able to control my feeling at that moment onwards...
28june2012~
the moment i am weird of disapperance of everyone.
i dont even get notice about it.
i thought maybe i aware on it at first.
but it end up with the story of this....
how many times am i going to convince u guys?
where i am staying is not really that far.
am i?
though i am not staying over Penang, not Seremban, not even over any sea....
just a little inform, at least i had been informed.
no, never.
i am jz been left out like this, jz bcoz of the word of Puchong.
okay~ thats alright~
maybe this had remind me the feeling of hurted.
the feeling of unable to be abandoned...
i am not angry, but seriously i am sad.
after i read the post, not even finish the last wording, i had dropped my tears~
no one know, even myself. it was an involuntary action. and that feeling was damn awkward!
wat the hell? i ask myself, are u alright?
and i think of another member of our gang----
i wonder, did she feel the same thing as me?
when she failed to attend or not even be invited by us?
why dont i cant feel the same things from her?
should i learn from her actually?
yes, i should.
from that moment onwards, i swear i will be stronger without them.
to prove that, i swear not to meet up with the gang and not even chat with them..
you will not understand why i act stubborn as this..
because the day without their chat was crazy and bored! i never know my life seriously is only them :(
and my dearest, please understand me, i am forced to be that far. because u will never know how silly was the house i had stayed over for 19years~
this is my dream to leave, but not expected i had allowed u guys to leave me too........

refresh back~

am i made the wrong step?

the step that i shouldn't step out..

i should take this as a deep deep secret..

but why i slip out from my mouth and told her?

i told her that day...no doubt....

it's jz a simply "yes"

they came for such many consequence that i duno should i avoid it...

since that day, they started for all those rumours..
rumours...
it had became a rumour, from the moment i ignore from reality...
i told my best fren, i did regret...
i told her, i did felt sorry...
i told about my feel, i did wan to go back....

on the other special only day...
i dont know is among the rumours or reality...
i dont even clear of my mind....
bcoz i take it as reality i know..
the reality that he said everything is to tell me...
the reality that he stil care on me...
the reality that he stil the one like 6years ago...

the moment that he said about the song....
i'm touched..honestly...
never forget...always.....
i still remembered that i did drop my tear for him....
not only me i know....

recalled me about everythings...
everythings related about him...
i wonder if he too, stil remembered about these..
about the memo pad he gave me...
about the bottle of stars he folded to me...
about the moment i'm beside when he upset....
about the things that i told him...

my dearest friend, i could called u as this right now.....
sorry..honestly...i felt sad on you...
i felt seriously regret...
on the words i told u....
but i not on my promise....
and u leave at the end....
i will be hold u tight right now...
is ok...tight as a fren...
i'm fine...really...
bcoz i know u too...will be fine...is it?

thanks for everythings..

thanks for letting me feel i'm so lucky...

thanks for respect me for everythings...

thanks for helping me all the time i need...

thanks for lending me ur ears to me...

thanks for stay strong all the time =)

let me know, whenever u need me..

i will always stand by your side...

not to cover back my guilty...

but, i do...appreciate the things u done for me..

for these 7years we knew each other...

sincerely, thank you very much my dear!!

A simpe quote~

a quote that i heard more than 3times from the different person~

"i had never been seeing you for a long time"

what is the meaning behind these words?
from the three person that namely my friend..

they never wanted much from me, but just a simple talk will do...
honestly, i do enjoy the conversation..
but when it goes abit more deep inside, i walk a step behind..
yup, i'm the one who never walked out from the darkness..ever..
maybe this is the meant of not on the right time..

until the day i met him and i speak to him...
regret to say that he is not the one who telling me this quote..
or i should say that it's better not for him to give me the hope...
and it should end up like this.. --end--

miss you badly~

that was the day you give me a call..
that was the day i never think of u at all..
that was the day i missed him..very much...
and you were with him on that day..
"hello" when i answering ur phone call..
no doubt, i'm sad why you are the one to speak..
i know..i understand..
he will not be the one to call..
he will not be the one that miss on me..
he will not be the one who care about me anymore..

i wonder...
am i thought too much from the start?
am i put too much feeling to blind up my eyes?
am i open my heart to wide on you?
why u gave me such feeling from the start?
did you realised about it?
or it's just the normal way u did on anyone else?
there are too much question i wish to get the answer from you..
and i know it wont be a good ending...
but why are you treating me good in the first?
why are you disappear again after that?
i miss you like crazy whenever i think of it..
i saved every single message from you..
i read each of it everytime and guessing your feeling...

seriously, i never felt this before after him ='(